I pull my aching body away from the warmth. My tired bones scream in protest. I shakingly rub at my temples, desperate to chase away the nightmare. I sniff as tears roll down my cheeks. I leave them there. I’m too exhausted to brush them away. I force myself to take a big breath. I count to ten before pushing myself off the bed. It’s a new day. I remind myself that this is a good thing. I need to be grateful to be present in this moment but the heaviness in my heart makes this difficult. I force another deep breath, desperate to lighten the pressure that’s pushing down on my chest. Has it always been so hard to breathe? I force myself to get up and face the day. It’s not going to be easy but some days are harder than others.
I’ve been in a very strange state of mind these last few days. I realize that I’m in a depressive state and that these feelings will pass but it’s so surreal. It’s as if my body isn’t my own. It’s as if my thoughts belong to someone else. It’s as if I’m looking at my body from another dimension. I’ve lost all spark and motivation. The part that makes me, me is missing. It’s not as if my emotions are running rampant and my heart is shattering with sadness, I simply feel nothing. I’m numb. I’m on empty.
It’s a bit short but I want to share the thoughts that comes straight from my depressive state. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows over here and I’m struggling. I know this feeling will pass but for now, I’m just going to take a much-needed break. I’ve been milking myself dry these last few months and I need to take a moment to catch my breath so I can create content that I’m proud of. Thank you for always supporting me.
Okay, the moment I thought wouldn’t arrive until much later but here we are, about to watch the first episode of 13 Reasons Why. I mentioned before that suicide is a sensitive subject for me and that I didn’t jump on the 13 Reasons Why wagon when it came out because I feared what emotions and thoughts it will bring up. I’m still not sure if I’m ready to watch this show and I’m a little scared about what emotions it will bring up but I don’t think I will ever be ready to watch it. The title itself has and still does, rub me up the wrong way. Suicide can’t possibly be explained or reasoned. It’s not that simple. There aren’t 13 reasons why someone would decide to take their life. It’s can be brought down to just a number. Now, keep in mind this is my feelings before I even watched a single minute of the show.
I decided that I’m not going to watch the entire show. I will watch one episode, make notes as I’m watching it and then leave. I won’t watch the second episode until quite a bit of time has passed. I need time to process what I just saw in a healthy manner. Okay, let’s jump in. I’m terrified about pressing play but this can be good for me.
This is my notes as I’m watching the movie:
Okay, first of all, I’m one-minute in. I truly appreciate what they have done by having the cast members talk about the premise of the show and warn those who might be triggered by the topics of the series. That’s incredibly important as if something so deep catches you off guard it can do a lot of damage. I also appreciate the fact that they know that this is a serious topic and they’re being cautious. They refer the viewer to 13ReasonsWhy.info (I will check the website out when I finish the episode) for more information. Okay, so this helped with my quite negative view on the show. I like that they did this. It tells me that their intentions are good and that they truly just want to shed light on such a serious topic and start the discussion. Okay, now let’s move on to the actual show. I will be completely honest with you…my heart is racing like crazy. Last night I dreamt about my friend who committed suicide and it’s hard. It brings up a lot of thoughts like why did I survive and he didn’t? The thing is, I know how it feels. I have quite a good idea what’s going through their mind and it’s hard to accept that others who had the same thoughts than I did aren’t alive today. They’re not here to see that things will eventually get better. Their demons won and sometimes I’m terrified that mine will win one day too. Oh wow, I didn’t expect that. Where did these thoughts come from?
Let’s press play and see what happens. I do want to add then I will pause and stop this show at any moment I feel like it’s affecting my health in a negative way.
The start of the first episode by showing Hannah’s locker and it kind of made me lose my breath. One of the things I struggle with the most is the part that comes after suicide. What happens to the family members? To the friends? To the people around you? That’s the part that hurts me so deeply. When I was in my darkest moment, hours away from swallowing those pills and ending it all…I didn’t for one moment think about what would happen after. What about my friends and family? Will my school also decorate or put a picture up? Will my peers write a letter? Will my life be mourned for a few days and then will everything continue? Like I never left. Like I never even existed in the first place. Would my existence on this earth be easily forgotten? Those thoughts never went through my head but they do now. They scare me. I like to think that I’m supposed to be here. That my voice can be heard and I can make a difference. That my existence isn’t for nothing. The daily struggle, the agony that I’ve experienced, it’s not for nothing.
It’s surprising to me that just seconds of this show can pull out thoughts and emotions that I have yet to utter. It’s unexpected. I’m feeling raw and vulnerable and I’m not sure if watching this episode by myself is a good idea. I’m keeping some distance to myself emotionally from the show or well I have a wall up so I’m feeling all of these intense thoughts, but I’m numb. I’m going to see if I’m able to watch more by myself. I might watch this with my husband just so I have that comfort of knowing that he is here. He makes me feel safe and right now, I need to feel safe. I need to know that it’s worth it.
My husband came home from work and for the last 30 minutes, we’ve been talking about what has been going through my head as I watched literally not even 2 minutes of the show and I’m feeling a lot better. Let’s press play and watch some more. Oh wow. Okay, so I’m 3 and a half minutes in and it’s hitting some interesting topic. Girls posing in front of her locker and sharing it but with no emotional attachment. The teacher is talking about the death of the student and another student asks: “if we can move on, it’s been a week.” The truth is, that’s the reality. Some won’t truly understand what it means, some are so involved with their own problems and some just don’t care. That is just the harsh reality that is life. I’m not really sure what to think or to feel if I’m honest. I’m disappointed that my predictions and fears were hit right on the nose but at the same time, I’m happy the show included that because it’s the reality. Unfortunately, not a lot of people are taking mental health seriously and hopefully, that will start to change. Talking about suicide, openly talking about your mental wellbeing can save a life. Okay, let’s continue. And two seconds in…they’re talking about knowing the signs. Are they withdrawing from friends and family? I feel like this can be damaging in its own way. Some who are depressed or have suicidal thoughts won’t have these signs. I sure as hell didn’t. You learn to put on a mask, to act normal. I feel by telling people to look out for these signs can do a lot of harm…I don’t know. I feel like this can damage those who they leave behind. Oh, I should’ve noticed the signs. Oh, how I should have helped them. But some don’t show any of the signs. I don’t know, I feel like it can do a lot of harm and should be said carefully. The next signs the teacher brings up is a bit silly to me. Are they changing their appearance? Really? I feel like this is so broad, especially with teenagers. I don’t know how I feel about this one. I definitely want to Google signs of depression and someone with suicidal thoughts when I’m done with this episode. I personally feel like there weren’t that many signs or shifts in my behavior. I literally decided that I wanted to commit suicide out of the blue, in the middle of my English class. I had every intention of swallowing those pills after I got home. Before that, I was normal with my friends. Nothing was strange about my behavior.
The first sight of the parents brought some intense emotions up. My mind is racing and I have no idea what to think and feel. I think I’m going to stop and come back to watch the rest later. It’s important for me to take the time and place my emotions before I continue watching it. I need to get my thoughts straight and process everything otherwise it might affect my mental health negatively. On the other hand, I’m at the 7 minutes mark and it has taken me down many roads so far. I’m still not sure if this will do more harm than good. On the one side it’s bringing up thoughts and feelings I didn’t know I had. Which is kind of good, I guess. It’s getting these emotions out but…on the other side, it’s a lot of intense emotions.
A few days have passed and I’ve decided NOT to watch the rest of the episode. I’m still going to share this blog even though I only made it 7 minutes in because this is important. It’s important that I gave it a chance but decided to take a step back when it was too much. I’m not in a mental frame of mind to watch this show and I don’t know when this will change. Who knows when I will be able to watch it? Heck, I might never finish this episode and that’s okay. I still appreciate that they’re trying to open a discussion with this show but I can’t exactly tell you my opinion or experience because I barely watched the show. I don’t know. I guess only you will be able to tell if you’re in a frame of mind to watch the show and only you can press pause and stop watching the show when it’s too much. I’m not really sure what to say. This show brought up a lot of intense emotions and I need more time to process them before I can get my thoughts straight and explain what’s going through my head.
I’m going to round this blog of here. It’s an intense one and I’m emotionally exhausted. Before I do that, I’m going to check out that website that they recommend at the start of the show. Oh wow, I’m fully impressed. You can get all necessarily crisis information by whatever country you’re in. That’s really cool. They truly went the extra mile with educating others which I appreciate.
I wanted to Google signs of depression and when someone is suicidal but I’m not really in the frame of mind to do so. This entire ordeal has been incredibly intense. I’m not sure if the feelings and thoughts it brought up are good or bad. I just need some time to wrap my head around it. I definitely want to come back to this and talk more about it. Suicide is such an important and serious subject that needs to be discussed more. I truly believe it can save a life. If you’re struggling in any shape or form, I encourage you to reach out. You’re not alone in this.
Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!
I’m writing this blog after a really difficult day. I realize that these are my toxic thoughts now but I need to write about this. Writing is my therapy and maybe by writing out all my thoughts, I might gain a new perspective on things. I don’t know but I need to get these feelings out.
Today I found out I weigh 90kg. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel disgusting. I feel like I should go crawl into some hole and hide. No one can see me like this. No one can know I weigh so much. When I saw that number on the scale I wanted to cry. I bit back my tears and told myself, cry about this tonight. I’ve gained so much weight in this last year that it’s been an incredibly hard pill to swallow. After the big weight gain where the scale climbed 2-3kg a WEEK for two months, I thought that was it. I’m 20kg heavier but I will lose it. I was diagnosed with PCOS soon after that and it’s been one ugly mix of emotions since. I felt horrified that I gained so much weight. I immediately changed the way I dressed or constantly tugged at my clothes because I didn’t want people to see the obvious weight gain. Hello, oversized everything. And now, when I’m already so fragile, I find out I’m 10kg’s higher than that. I can’t hit that 100kg mark. I can’t.
And I’m scared. I want to lose weight because I want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin but I’m terrified I will become obsessed with fitness again. It was truly horrifying that the pressure of maintaining the weight loss or fitness journey did to my mental health. I get so overwhelmed these days. So much extreme thing has been happening to me this last year that I’m barely keeping my head above water. I can’t add that weight loss pressure onto my shoulders again. I will break. I’ve found a system that is taking steps towards the right direction but it slow and forgiving. It’s all that I can handle at the moment but it’s not enough. I’m not doing enough. I’m still gaining weight and I’m disgusting. I need to starve myself. I need to drink just smoothies for months straight. I need to eat, drink and sleep fitness again. I need to eat nothing and just drink water. I need to make myself throw up when I eat candy. I need to. I need to. I need to. These thoughts are disgusting. I look at my body and I hate it. I hate how that is just another thing in my life that I can’t control and I hate how it doesn’t feel like my body anymore. I hate how I’m scared someone will point out my weight gain out and I hate how I no longer feel beautiful. I hate that this weight gain makes me feel worthless. Like my life has no meaning because I have back rolls. I hate that I feel this way and I want to change but I don’t know if I can handle it now. It’s a constant toss up of 1) go big or go home or 2) one day at a time. I’m struggling to find a middle ground. I’m struggling to get out of this ugly and toxic loophole. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to be this big anymore. I tell myself I will be happy when I’m back to my fit body but the truth is, I wasn’t fucking happy back then. I still thought I was fat and worthless. I still bit back tears when someone pointed out my stomach. But now…it’s worse. Back then I felt confident and proud at least 70% of the time. Now, I feel like a worthless human being. I don’t really know what else to say. I think I’m just going to go to bed now. Maybe I will feel different tomorrow? I’m just so tired of feeling like this. It’s too much. Life has been so much. When am I going to catch a break?
It’s the next day and I don’t have clarity. I don’t really feel much better. I realize that I’m inching into a depressive state and what I thought yesterday wasn’t entirely true to what a really think deep down…but yeah. I still feel the pressure that I need to do something. What I’m doing isn’t enough and I’m scared that it will all get too much. I woke up, hungry. Already, my thoughts are like sit the fuck down you fat fuck. You’re not worthy to eat. It’s ugly and toxic. These feelings will pass and I refuse to surrender and do anything I will regret. I will fight these thoughts and feelings. I will fight this negative voice and when I come out of it the other side, with a clear and positive mind I will make adjustments to my way of life that isn’t anything too crazy. And eventually, over time, I will lose some weight but who knows? Maybe I will never weigh 60kg again and that’s okay…I guess. It’s baby steps.
Sorry that this blog is all over the place. I just feel like it’s something I should share. Maybe someone who struggles with the same thing or has struggled with the same thing will have some advice. Who knows?
Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!
PS, I’m adding this as an afterthought because I don’t want to make anyone feel bad about their bodies. I’m not saying if you weigh 90kg you’re ‘fat’ and ‘worthless’. Nor if you weigh more than that. THIS is how I feel about MY body because of my weightgain.
In the previous part, I mentioned that things just changed for me near the end of November. My mindset changed and I was healing. I wasn’t planning on messaging my mother till I was talking to my husband about it the night before. I was ready to let go and rekindle our relationship. After we had a long conversation about it the night before, I slept on it and the next morning I wrote out my message and send it to her. I won’t insert this message on here but I basically told her I was ready to talk and that I wanted some type or relationship with her. I did make it very clear that I expected more from her and I have boundaries she needs to respect if she wanted to be a part of my life. The last thing I wanted was for history to repeat and three months later it’s back to where we started. There needs to be a change if not then contact me when there is. It sounds a little mean writing this down now but I’m proud of myself. I expect more from the people in my life. I refuse to settle for a toxic and negative relationship of any sorts. I deserve more than that. Negative friendships? There is the door. It’s wasn’t just my mom that I distanced myself from. My mom responded the next morning and we arrange to Skype and just talk about everything. It was a two-hour long process and it was a shift in our relationship. We talked about everything and we were just about to round things off when I paused. I still haven’t gotten my apology. I want her to accept the role she played and say sorry. I had hoped it would come up naturally. A part of me was accepting the fact that I will never receive this apology and I had to make peace of this fact. I was about to end this call feeling worse than when we started. I knew that we couldn’t have any relationship until she apologized and I clearly needed to tell her this or she won’t know. It was hard and I had to muster up all of my courage together to tell her this. And I got the moment I needed. I heard those magical words and at that very moment, I forgave her. I forgave her for all of her wrongdoings. I forgave her for not being my protector back then. The moment I heard her speak those words I cried my eyes out. It’s all I ever needed to hear. It’s all I ever wanted. I’m sorry. My anger and resentment disappeared at that very moment. I truly felt free. This massive burden was off my shoulders and out my life. I felt so fucking light. It was a magical moment that brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. It was a moment we both needed. We can now build a new relationship together. I have my mom back and it feels great. None of this would have happened if I didn’t ask for the distance.
We talked a lot more and then we hung up. I was in tears, incredibly emotional and immediately called my father. He was out in town and promised to call in 30 minutes. I messaged my best friend in the entire world and practically screamed that I got my sorry. She was absolutely ecstatic for me and then I got to talking. She always has this way to get my true thoughts and feelings out and I told her hearing my mom say sorry wasn’t enough for me to truly let go. I needed a sorry from my dad as well. I felt guilty for feeling like this. I was being too greedy. My father called before we could talk more about it and I told him about the conversation with my mom and how I finally got my sorry. I paused for a moment, mustered up my last bit of courage and told him what I needed to hear. That I needed the same from him. I needed to hear him accept the role he played in this, take responsibility for his actions and say sorry. He did. Just like that, I finally got what I desperately needed. At that moment, I had let go. Of all that anger, that desire for revenge, all of that resentment, of all that negative emotions, everything. I accepted my past, came to terms of it and healed from it all at that moment. Don’t get me wrong, what happened was wrong. The abuse is unforgivable and the monster will get what’s coming to him but it wasn’t controlling my life anymore. It wasn’t sucking out the joy from my life. I wasn’t broken being anymore. I don’t really know how to explain it. I was just at peace with my past. I wasn’t going to linger on it or allow it to control my entire world. I wasn’t going to just think of my abuse when I look back to my childhood. It wasn’t my identity anymore. I just let go and I was free. I wasn’t free for just a moment or at peace for a second. I was truly set free. I’m going to try to explain by using a bird as an example.
When I shared my past to the world, I had unlocked the cage I was trapped in. I had opened the door and could now leave my personal jail cell, but I couldn’t leave the cage. I wasn’t ready. When I message my mom and asked for distance, I finally left my corner and sat on the little cage door. I looked around the room but was unsure if I could fly. When my mindset shifted, I spread my wings and flew for the first time. It was freeing but my fears dragged my little body down and I dropped to the floor. When I had that conversation with my mother and I heard that sorry, I flew and flew but I never left the room. When I heard that sorry from my dad, I was able to fly out of the open window and leave my cage behind. That room is still in my house but I no longer lock myself away in the cage or limit myself to flying in that one room.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to my friend about something and I said this: “Don’t clip your own wings before you ever learn how to fly.” It is such a powerful quote. It fits so beautifully with my example, it just feels like fate.
Two weeks into December I got some bad news and slipped into another bad depressive state. It was intense and I cried constantly. The truth is even though I had left that room and was soaring through the sky, it was raining and my wings were getting heavy. Life is still insane and everything will make sense when I share what has been going on but for now, I want to end this part and story by sharing what happened a few days ago.
My father had sent me this picture and I immediately liked the picture. It was an old one of us and it just felt like I was looking at another person. I responded that we both looked so young back then and that I could tell by looking at the phone I’m holding in my hands. I found the fact I could pinpoint my age by looking at this old phone very funny. Heck, it’s ten years ago so it was just funny to see how phones used to look back then. My father’s response was unexpected. Before I continue, here is the picture.
I think I’m going to start off with my inserting his messages and then I will talk about it.
I can’t tell you how emotional this message made me. I don’t even know where to start. 1) My father is more sensitive to my mental health and is being gentler. 2) I didn’t see it coming. When I saw that picture, I just saw a younger version of ourselves. It’s a good thing. I mean what I said. When I look back, I don’t see all the bad. I see all of the good. 3) My dad was just being the sweetest about everything and made me miss him so much. Before I left, I made little notes for my dad. I was so worried for him all alone in that big house and put up little reminders everywhere. Take your pills. Don’t fall asleep in the bath. Take your food out of the freezer. Feed the dogs. Lock the house. It makes my heart melt to hear that these notes are still on, nearly two years later. I miss my parents a lot and this didn’t help much.
I don’t really know how I want to end this. There is so much more I can say. Life got really hard after I shared my story. It opened old wounds. It was a raw and vulnerable time. It was a lot of heartbreak, acts of bravery and hard decisions. It was anything but easy but I needed to go through it. I needed to go to my lowest of lows so I could build myself up from there. I had to stop clipping my owns wings and learn how to fly.
Thank you so much for all the love and support with this series. I needed to share all of this. Much love, Cassy xxx
PS I’m sorry about the weird spacing with the text images. I couldn’t really fix it.
And here we are with part 3. I have no idea how many parts are still left of this story but aww well. Here we are anyway. Before I begin, I just want to thank everyone for all the love and support I’ve received. I’m not going to have a long and stretched out introduction this time around. I’m just going to pick up where I left off last time.
As mentioned in the last part, in the middle of October I asked for some distance from my mother. The first two weeks, I talked about my feelings of my mother and all of the in between with my new therapist every single day. Near the end of October, my mother posted something on her Facebook page and all that anger that just started to go away came flooding back. So, I went off my Facebook, switched to my husband’s profile and unfriended her. It wasn’t like I could delete my mom from my life but I had to do something. I had to truly give myself time to heal. To let go of my anger and forgive. I don’t know how I should even begin to explain how I felt after I asked for that distance…I don’t want to say that I was relieved to have her out of my life because that sounds horrible…but the truth is a part of me did feel relieved. I was just so angry at her and once that anger dimmed away, disappointment set in. I was also just relieved that I could take this moment to just concentrate on me. Not worry about everything bad happening in her life. I didn’t have that negativity in my life anymore and that made a world of difference. So, I guess I felt relieved that I cut something negative out of my life? I missed my mom don’t get me wrong. I talked about her nearly every single day with my therapist. When something intense happened in my life, I wanted to call my mom and talk to her about it but I knew that I needed time. My therapist actually said something that really helped with this. When you’re ready to hear whatever your mom has to say, that’s when you’re ready to talk to her. She is right. When we finally have the conversation we need to have, she is also going to have things to say. She has her side of the story and I need to be prepared for that.
My mother’s birthday is in the middle of the month and I was in turmoil about it. It was a big birthday and I wanted to message her but I didn’t want to invite those negative feelings back into my life. I talked about my mother’s birthday with my therapist for the first two weeks of November. I was truly in turmoil about what I should do. When I send her that message and asked for space it was a gesture to myself that I was going to put my feelings, my mental well being first. I knew that my message hurt but I decided to put myself first. The Sunday before her birthday when my father and I had our weekly Skype he mentioned her. He has mentioned her before, almost every week since I broke off contact. In the beginning, it was nice to hear that she was seeing a therapist and truly working on herself. I was happy to hear she was doing something about it. Taking those first few steps towards change. It made me feel like my decision to put some distance between us was the right decision. That I was doing the right thing and I could let go of my guilt. In this Skype session, my father said he would send on my birthday wishes to her. I was relieved to hear this because even though the last thing I wanted to do is put my dad in between us, it also solved my inner turmoil. I would still be able to wish her a happy birthday but I wouldn’t do so by personally messaging her. I wasn’t in a good place mentally at this time. I was very low and struggling. I was in a middle of one of my darkest days (read week) yet and I could barely breathe through the depression. It was bad. Life was pretty fucking intense. On her birthday, my dad wished her happy birthday from me like he promised to do. I was relieved and put my phone away and just forced myself to get out of bed and at the very least go downstairs and be with Dankie. It was incredibly difficult to muster up the energy to get out of bed and go downstairs. It wasn’t long after my father sends her my birthday wishes that he messaged and said that he truly thought that I needed to send her a birthday message. I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal, or maybe to some it does. It was a big deal to me. I was in a very low place mentally and my father knew this. He knew why. I opened up to him about this. I set boundaries and when he didn’t respect these boundaries and pressured me into sending my mom a message, I felt betrayed. I had a long conversation about this to my therapist and she told me that I was allowed to tell my father this. Tell him that I felt that he disrespected my boundaries and I felt betrayed by this. If it wasn’t for my therapist, I would have never thought to do this but I needed to do this. If I didn’t that betrayal I felt would have build and build inside of me and in return undo all the good I was trying to do. He apologized and promised to think a little more about it in the future. He would be more sensitive and he has been.
I always preach this but nothing is going to change if you don’t take any steps to change it. My relationship with my mom would still be toxic and negative if I didn’t message her that day. My relationship with my father would suffer if he continues to make insensitive comments that hurt my feelings. I was terrified before sending these messages. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings but it needed to be said. Our relationship is stronger because of that. I did end up sending her a birthday message and like I had predicted, I had welcomed back all of those negative feelings. She didn’t say anything wrong but by opening up myself and welcoming her back into my life even for just a moment, that anger came back full force. Those negative and toxic feelings threatened to drown me. I struggled a lot to pull myself out of my depressive state. Thinking about it now, I was in a depressive state most of November. It was hard but I was getting better. My new therapist was an enormous help throughout this month. I learned a lot of techniques that I could incorporate in my depressive state to help. I learned to be gentler with myself and how, to be honest with those around me. To be open about my feelings. She also made me realize that sometimes other people’s actions towards me is not a reflection of me but instead of them. She truly helped me a lot. I’m happy I decided to give Talkspace another chance. I was convinced after my first month with them that online therapy is just not my cup of tea. Turns out it’s all about finding the right therapist for you. I did cancel my subscription within in a month but this time around it was because I felt ready. I have learned new techniques; my mindset has changed and I knew that I got this. I wasn’t in denial anymore. I had accepted that life is just going to fucking suck sometimes. I had accepted that I have depression but I knew that no matter what was thrown my way. I would somehow make it. It wouldn’t be easy but I have all the tools I need to pull myself out of it. I also wanted to take her tools that she handed me and run with it. The last thing I wanted to do is become dependent on her.
November was a big month. It was difficult but very much needed. By the end of November, I felt reborn. My mindset has shifted and I felt good. I finally stopped regretting sharing my past. I finally accepted everything that happened and most importantly I was truly healing. I was allowing myself to heal. I was letting go. There are just no words how I felt when everything just started to click. It’s just that moment of peace. It’s that moment of relief you feel when you remove your bra at the end of the day. It’s that moment of relief you feel when you take a sip of water when you were dying of thirst. It’s that moment of relief you feel when you get back inside the warm house after you walked the dog in the cold dead of winter. It was just peaceful. I let go of all that anger and resentment. I started to heal. My heart was picking up those fallen pieces and feeling hole again.
I don’t want you to think that it was all sunshine and rainbows. The same intense things that forced me into breaking point earlier the year was still present but I just had the right mindset for it. I didn’t have that extra baggage to carry. I still had some weight on my shoulders but I lost more than half of it if that makes sense. It’s very difficult to explain everything without just telling you what this intense thing is but I will share when the time is right. When I’m ready. I guess what I’m trying to say was that I felt better but life wasn’t suddenly farting unicorns and silly pandas. It was still very difficult but I was on the right track. I had my old spark back. I was truly losing myself in writing my coming of age story (Chocolate Chip Cookies And Pink Nails, now completed) and just finding so much joy in the entire healing process. For the first time in months, I felt truly happy. I was healing.
I’m going to end this part here. There is still more I want to say about this entire journey but I’m going to leave that for part 4. Again, and I truly can’t thank you all enough. Thank you for all the love and support. I’m so grateful that I have a platform where I feel safe to be able to share something so personal. I did not think I was going to start of my year by talking about something so vulnerable but it feels right. Writing this story just kind of happened. I started writing part one after a message from my father (it will probably come up in the next part) and I just really wanted to talk about it. Before I knew it was taking it way back and just letting it all out. I literally wrote part one two hours ago and I feel so good for doing so. No one has read it yet but it’s out of my head now. No idea if this makes sense. I will see you in the next one. Much love, Cassy xxx