Self Love, Story Time

My Worst Bitchy Moment Ever

I will be honest. I paused before publishing this blog. What if people start to see me as a bad person? What if my true intention that I want to achieve with this blog gets lost? What if I didn’t do a good enough job to explain myself properly? This is nerve wrecking but I’m a big girl and I’m not ashamed to confess that I made a mistake. I said some things that was wrong and I didn’t mean any of it. I think what’s important about growing up is not being afraid to admit when you’re wrong and trying your utmost best to make it right. So enough stalling. I’m going to click publish and just hope the message will be received.

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My worst bitchy moment ever, happened a few years ago here in the Netherlands. Onno and I just started dating and we went to Starbucks for a drink. We were in that awkward stage of the year where it’s sometimes hot but you better be prepared for rain. At this point of my life I was a few months in my fitness journey and finally losing weight. I still didn’t have the confidence to show skin or any of that. My warped way of thinking was if I can’t pull it off then someone bigger than me certainly won’t be able to pull it off. You’re allowed to slap my past self. I think about this often. I honestly and truly wish I can take back those words and I can only imagine how much it hurt this girl and if I can ever meet her again I would definitely apologize.

In front of us in the Starbuck line, a bigger girl was wearing a black shirt with a open back. I loudly said that oh wow she’s wearing that? Like I can’t pull that off and I’m so much skinnier then her. Yeah. I said that. Out loud. She could hear me. Imagine the worst bitchy voice you’ve heard in a movie, that was me. She did hear me and talked to her friend next to her in Dutch. I have no idea what she said as back then my Dutch was really rusty. I however didn’t stop there. Oh no. It gets worse. I then pressured Onno to agree with me. The poor guy was so awkward and didn’t know how to tell me to shut the hell up. It truly was my worst bitchy moment ever.

I felt so horrible about my own body I felt like it was perfectly okay to hate on this girl. A real life troll. The thing is losing weight isn’t going to magically give you body confidence and self love. You’re not magically going to become a better person because you lost a few pounds. I’m not saying I’m a horrible person but that moment…I sure as hell wasn’t my true self.

I’m truly sorry for hurting your feelings. I was a bitch and I didn’t mean a single word I said that day.

The point I want to achieve with this blog is that people change and sometimes people say things without a filter without meaning them. Sometimes you hurt someone even though you never meant to do so. The best thing you can do is apologize. Correct your wrongs and learn from them. Don’t make the same mistake again. Become a better person. Today I pause and consider my words more.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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Body Love, Self Love

How I Plan To Stop Body Shaming Myself

The other day I got to thinking about my body. Yeah I know. The warning alarms definitely sounded. These thoughts entered my mind and has yet to leave since I went court wedding dress shopping. I spoke about the event briefly on my socials while running on a little great dress high, but as time has passed those demon thoughts pushed itself back into my mind. My body is ugly. I’m too fat in my stomach area. I will be perfect if I lose more weight. I get so frustrated. I have all the tools and knowledge. I know in what area of failing. I know if I really put my all in it I can do it. I can lose that weight. I can finally have that toned and flat stomach with zero bloating. Then maybe finally I will be perfect.

What a load of bullshit. Fuck it. I’ve had these moments before. Some days I love my body even when I’m not as toned as I could be or have been before. On other days one dress can ruin everything. It’s not surprising. I’ve hated how my body looked for years now. It’s not suddenly going to disappear and never come back. It’s just not reality. Ignoring your problems and insecurities won’t make them go away. I’m just so tired of it. I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable and self conscious about my body.

“You will have the perfect body if you lose that last bit of stomach weight.” Fuck it. Fuck it all. Excuse my language but that’s just how I feel. I’m so sick and tired of counting calories, tracking my meals, forcing so many greens down my throat, counting down the time till I can eat again and saying no to that god damn cookie. I’m just so tired of it. I want to eat what I want to eat without feeling guilty or beating myself up about it. I want to be able to flaunt my stomach fat come bloating (instant six months pregnant bump) or not. I want to stop hating my body so much. I want to always love my body. Always cherish it. I want to stop preaching and start doing.

You know when I first started working on my body my goal was to lose weight, build muscle, challenge my boundaries, gain strength, push myself when I want to quit, eat healthy and enjoy life.

  • I have lost weight. I have gained some of that said weight back and then lost it again.
  • I have build muscles all over my body. For the first time in my life I have definition in my quads.
  • I have challenged my boundaries.
  • I have gained strength not just physically but in some way emotionally too. I can step back and access my emotions and not just have them run rampant.
  • And boy have I pushed myself. I have done that extra push up when my arms wanted to give out from under me. I cycled those extra 10km when everything inside my body wanted to stop.
  • I eat relatively healthy. I never go a day without some sort of vegetables and fruit. I make sure I get enough protein in.
  • And I enjoy life till this demon pops up and ruins it all. Fuck this demon. I won’t have you control my life anymore. I don’t want to care if I will never have a flat stomach or if it will take my three more years to have a full set of abs. My relationship with food has come a long way and still has a way to go.

I’m going to make a promise to myself right now. I’m going to stop caring what strangers think and say about my body. I’m going to shut that demon up when I even think about shaming my body. I’m going to rock my stomach fat because you know what? Life is honestly just too short. So I’m just going to do what makes me happy. I’m going to stay active, make conscious and healthy food choices whenever I can and I’m going to eat that treat. My body is perfect NOW.

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