Story Time

My Funny Foreinger Story With The Public Transport Here In The Netherlands

I’ve told this story to a handful of people here in the Netherlands and it’s always a good chuckle. The other day I was like oh wait this would actually make a funny blog on my website so well here we are. Alright so we know by now before I can start my stories I need to throw a bit of background information out there otherwise some things won’t make much sense without it. So excuse me while I do that.

Where to start? Wait I know. South Africa and the Netherlands are completely different and at the beginning of my au pair year, you could guess that I was still learning the ropes of it all. So the one main thing that was completely new to me is the public transport. We have public transport in South Africa but it’s in no way reliable nor safe. It also won’t get you everywhere you would want to be. Here in the Netherlands, the public transport is pretty damn amazing. Yes, there are some delays but you can go anywhere by train and it’s relatively clean and I haven’t had a problem with safety. I mean I don’t need to worry about being mugged or stabbed so that’s great. Oh wow, that’s dark. Before my year here I had no idea what trams are. I knew of trains and busses. That’s it. So it’s safe to say that my first independent tram ride makes one funny story. Alright, that might be enough back story. Let’s get to the interesting bit and also I hope this blog turns out to be funny. We can’t have another key story.

I was probably only here for three weeks, one month max when I had to go to Den Hague to get my permit. To get there I would have to take two trams. The first part was easy as I had to climb on the tram close to the house and just take it all the way to the city. It was when I got in the city when everything derailed. First of all, the trams suddenly looked different so I wasn’t sure if I could still use the card or if I would have to get a new card or anything like that. It went from a blue and white tram to a red and cream tram. So the night before my host mom tried to explain the system to me but I had no idea what she was talking about but the only thing I knew was the tram number, 8. So I jumped on the first tram with the number 8 on it and scanned my card. It read ‘Overstap Ok’ which basically means the transfer went great but I literally had no idea what that meant so I kept checking in and out in hopes it would say something different. In a complete panic, I called my host dad to ask if it’s okay. He was like get off my back I’m at work but said all was good in the world. I for some reason did not believe a single word he said. A person nearby was like no it’s fine. I still was unsure but sat down anyway. 20 minutes later I was starting to get worried. I haven’t heard my stop yet and the tram just turned around? It was also at that moment that the person who scans your card walked along. I was so terrified that my host dad and the kind stranger was lying to me and I would have to pay this massive fine that I jumped out the next stop. In the middle of fucking nowhere. I waited for the tram, bought a ticket when the card did the ‘Overstap Ok’ thing and hoped that somehow this time everything would be okay. That hope came to crashing halt when we stopped at the central station. I was right where I started and by now I was convinced it was the wrong line number. I climbed off, walked around, trying to build up the confidence to ask the information desk. Keep in mind that I was convinced that no one in the Netherlands could speak a lick of English and I could barely understand Dutch, much less speak it. Finally, after a good few minutes, I decided to stick with line 8 and see where the road takes me. This time the tram actually went in the right direction and I was in such a panic that about the card not working and the train ticket already being expired that I jumped off at the first stop that began with an R. I was so completely stressed about the entire situation I just wanted to walk the rest of the way but it was a good 45min walk so I waited those 15 minutes before I climbed on the next tram and kept my eyes peeled for the building.

The rest was pretty okay. I saw my stop, climbed off and got what I needed in 30 minutes before taking the tram back. Luckily I climbed on the tram going in the right direction and the rest was smooth sailing. It was only when I spoke about the entire situation with my host dad that I realized that every tram line has a tram to go in each direction. I know this is so obvious and I can’t believe this didn’t cross my mind but hey it makes a fun story to tell now. I also realized later on that I was paying for the same trip twice so that’s great. I still get confused sometimes heck I bet even some Dutch citizens get confused. I mean sometimes they have the different companies and it gets really confusing.

Just recently I had an incident where it was a different company but I checked in with the other company and I realized it way too late and then when those scanners came around I proudly played the confused foreigner card because well the poor bloke was trying to explain the system to me in broken English and I was just like alright buddy I’m fucking lost now. He surrendered and I got out of paying the fine. Funny enough on my way back the same bloke scanned my card and this time around I did everything correctly so that was really awkward. In my defense, I still don’t understand what he wanted me to.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

heart-2954170_1280

Story Time

My Husband Stressed Over A 2000 Euro Key For Years

This my favorite story to tell because honestly, it’s hilarious to me. If you ever meet me in person ask me to tell this story. I get so passionate about it with hand gestures and voices. So this story is the key story.

When I met Onno he was already in his apartment in the city for a few months and at first, he always said that his second key is with his parents. I didn’t really care as I was only going to his place on the weekends and who needs more than one key anyway? About a month after we started dating he finally confessed that he lost the key and when I asked him why don’t you just say hey I lost the key and get a new one? His reason was very sound. In his contract, he signed that in the case of a lost key, he needs to pay for the replacement of the entire building. It is one of those special keys that can open the front door and your apartment. That is quite a mind-blowing, probably only to me, that they were able to do that for five different apartments in our building like wow technology man. Anyway to replace all of those keys is ridiculously expensive; over 2000 Euros. So you can understand why admitting that he lost the key is the last thing that Onno ever wanted to do.

Months passed and I went back to South Africa for a few months and the one key problem was completely forgotten. It was only when I came back for three months and actively lived with Onno that the one key thing became a problem. Oh, wait there was this one time while I was au pair that we got locked out of the apartment for a few hours in the freezing cold weather. Onno had a friend stay over and while he went out to meet me halfway (I was angry at him and didn’t want to come over like always did so he came to pick me up halfway completely and utterly hung over.) she went out shopping. Onno left the keys with her as he didn’t know how easy it would be to get me to his place (I was really angry.). What ended up happening is that she didn’t answer her phone for a long time and we had to wait for her to finally get back to access the apartment. Of course, this didn’t make me any less pissed at Onno. It was a bad and awkward weekend. The poor guy. Anyway back to the future where we started living together. At that time I was on a three-month Tourist VISA and you’re not allowed to work on this said VISA. So I was mostly alone at the apartment while Onno worked. I had enough to do with keeping the apartment clean, doing the grocery shopping and all that jazz…who am I kidding? It was pretty boring and I watched a lot of Netflix. In my defense, I was working out a lot back then. It was when I was still doing BBG, something I’m restarting today (it didn’t stick though. I’ve been trying to restart BBG for months now and it’s not sticking. I made a new game plan that by the time this blog goes up, should be in action for 3 weeks.) and I think I was writing. Who knows. It’s two years ago.

I’m getting off track. So Onno would leave the keys at the house while he went to work so I could go in and out. He would ring the intercom when he got home and I would ring him in. It was a system and it worked but it would’ve been nice if we both had our own set of keys. Other than having the real fear that if we lost this key we’re completely and utterly screwed all was right in the world. It really wasn’t a problem as I would go back to South Africa before we could blink and it would be a few months before I’m back to live here in the Netherlands permanently.

Wait, let’s put a pin in this blog. As I’m writing this, this story is coming off quite boring. I just feel like I have to give some back story to it otherwise it might not make any sense but in the process, it’s coming off as well not funny. Sorry about that but I’m almost 800 words in and it’s too late to go back now. Alright let’s return to regular programming in 3…2…1

Flash forward a few months and I’m officially back in the Netherlands. I wasn’t even here for a week before we started talking about finding a new place. It was a subject we touched on before but we just had to wait for me to well live in the country before we could really consider it. At this time I was also convinced that I would most likely study in Amsterdam or Utrecht and since Onno works in Utrecht we figured moving to a place closer in that area would be the smartest move forward. We started looking for a place to rent and this is when the dreaded key problem came up again. One, over a year later after Onno lost the said key, he still didn’t want to call the realtor company. He was convinced that our downstairs neighbor also lost his key as the two very awkwardly had an interesting conversation about the keys a few weeks back. Basically, Onno was in a faceoff with our neighbor. Who is going to call first and pay the 2000 Euros? So basically who is going to give in and move first?

Although I wasn’t exactly eager to hand over 2000 Euros for a key, I also really wanted to get out of our small apartment and into a place with a yard. We looked around and saw a few places but ‘altemilately’ – Here is where everything derailed. For the life of me, I couldn’t spell this word and autocorrect wasn’t coming in to save the day. Normally if I can’t spell a word and auto correct is useless I would retype my sentence so I wouldn’t have to use the said word but I was stubborn. So here are my attempts to spell this word correctly. Altemitately. Ultemitely. And finally auto correct saved the day and helped a girl out, ultimately – I refused to spend so much money on a place we would only rent. The rent was also ridiculously high. So to explain myself more, even though this might make perfect sense to some people but to me (a South African this literally makes no sense) it’s bonkers. Here in the Netherlands when you rent a place you have to put in your own goddamn floor and closets. The one place we found we even had to put up our own fence and it wasn’t like oh never mind we could live without the fence type of deal. It had to be done or your backyard is open to the public. They also expected us to plant the entire garden (it was newly built) and basically make their shitty place nice. Coupled with the deposit, moving costs and the really expensive rent it was just not worth it for us. I honestly just refused to basically throw all that money away on a rental house. It’s not my house. Why the hell should I put in the floor? It just blows my mind. Anyway back to the story.

In the end, we just didn’t have the money to pay for the rental place and for the new keys. We decided that hey let’s wait a few more months. Maybe the neighbor will cave and move first. Months went by where Onno would ‘occiosanely’- and we’re derailing again. Come on Cassandra. You use this word all the damn time why the hell can’t you spell it tonight and also auto correct why aren’t you helping me out tonight? Occosian. Occasianly. occasionally – ask the neighbor without actually asking about the key and his said living plans in the future. The one key story was forgotten for a few months before we decided hey we’re at a good place in our lives let’s buy a house.

It took Onno three months after our offer was confirmed, papers were signed and we ’re basically one week shy from receiving the keys before he finally made the call. A call he was supposed to make a week prior but ‘forgot’. I had to press the call button for him. Onno was a bundle of nerves and went into this long story that his parents were cleaning out their house over the weekend and couldn’t find our extra key and they couldn’t tell how long it was lost and blah blah blah blah. The lady on the phone basically asked Onno to get to his point as she didn’t have the time. Begrudgingly Onno said that we don’t have a second key and would like to get one. AND GUESS WHAT? For only 40 Euros we could get a new key in a week! I repeat. FOR ONLY 40 EUROS WE COULD GET A NEW KEY IN A WEEK. You can’t hear my laughter through the screen but I assure you, I laughed my ass off when he told me with this stupid embarrassed look on his face. I’m chuckling now just remembering it.

Nearly two years of postponing this call out of pure dread, putting our life on hold a little bit and having this awkward face off with our neighbor who had no idea, we got our second key for 40 Euros. It turns out that the management of the apartment went to a new company and they didn’t make a big deal out of the whole key thing. Onno is convinced that if he called them sooner (if only with a few months) we would have had to pay the 2000 Euros.

Now that I think about it…maybe this key story is only funny to me?

Update from future Cassy

I wrote the first part of this blog months ago before we even moved. We had to wait however for our deposit before I could share it online. We didn’t want to take any risks when it came to such a big deposit that would really help to smooth things over at the bank after the renovations. Getting the deposit back was anything but easy. Now that I think about it, I can probably write another blog just about the troubles we faced to get back our money but I will spare you all on the details. We moved on the Saturday with all of the big things, the bed, couch, table, desk and etc. Basically the entire apartment. That Monday I went through to Rotterdam to fully spring clean the apartment while Onno did a few things around the house. It was a boiling hot day and anything but pleasant. It was a lot of hard work. The next day we had to return the keys. Onno went through as he had to be present for the check up from the rental agency. The person was late and it was a long and boring procedure. They basically walked through the entire apartment and took pictures so they could send it back to the owner who would then see how much of the deposit we would get back. Let’s say the shower door was broken. The owner would then hire someone to fix the shower door and withdraw the amount from the deposit. He would need the pictures as proof.

They promised that we would receive the deposit within two months we finally closed that chapter of our lives. Life got pretty damn crazy soon afterwards and before we knew it, it was just shy over two months later without a single peep from receiving the deposit. We called to hear what’s going on and that’s when we found out that the company received the pictures from the real estate agent last week. Apparently, the SD card of their camera was acting up and it took a while to fix the problem. They then promised they would have the deposit in our bank account by the end of the month. The end of the month came and went by without a word. Moral of the story after four months we finally got the deposit. It only took a dozen or so calls and unanswered emails every week. We did get the entire deposit back which is pretty great but what a journey it was. Reading through this blog in the editing process, I realize that maybe this story is only funny to me. Oops!

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

heart-2954170_1280

 

Mental Health, Story Time

Goodbye For Now | A Break From Social Media

I’ve written this blog only to scratch it a few sentences in too many times to count. I don’t really know where to start or what to say. I’m just going to talk to you, I guess.

I’ve taken a break from social media a few times by now. They weren’t really that long because I always felt this pressure. You see I don’t want my blogging to be a hobby. I want this to turn into something bigger. I want to publish my stories and be an author. It’s always been my dream to be a writer and starting this blog lit up the fire inside of me that was dying out. I started writing when I was about fourteen. My friend at a time loved writing stories and before I knew it I started to write too. Before that I would escape in worlds created by other writers but for the first time I created my own world. My own little haven to fall into. I wrote through the darkest time of my life. It was my outlet and then I stopped. I don’t really know why I stopped. I can probably give you a lot of excuses but to be honest something changed. I changed. I was finding myself, exploring new things and falling. I don’t really know how to explain it to be honest. When it comes to my own feelings and thoughts I struggle to put them into words.

I want to take a break. I’m too overwhelmed. I have to many things happening and if I don’t take a step back I will collapse. At first I felt like I should just write my blogs and eventually all of this will pass but the thing is I can’t get myself to write about it all. I can’t find the words. It feels wrong and fake to write these funny little blogs because I feel like I’m hiding myself. Maybe today is just a bad day. Maybe I’m overreacting and next week I will be okay and write till my fingers go numb but another bad day will come. I’m not even sure if I’m making sense. My brain feels foggy and I’m struggling to understand. I’m really not okay. I need space. I need some time to pick myself up completely. These last few months I’ve been stumbling a lot. Something would happen that would knock my feet right out from underneath me and I would push myself to get up but the ground underneath me is falling apart and I’m stumbling.

A part of me feels like I’m letting my readers down. A part of me doesn’t want to stop working on my blog because it’s been doing so well. A part of me wants to get more followers and subscribers and just go big. A part of me doesn’t want to disappoint the few that actually read my blogs. But you know it’s not all about that. I don’t want to care about the numbers and statistics. It’s not why I originally started this blog. The more I’m trying to explain what’s going through my mind right now the more I’m going in circles. I feel like I’m not making sense at all. I have no idea how to go about writing this blog because to be honest I can’t really put it into words. So for now I’m going to get technical.

I’m going to take a break from social media and my blog. It’s not going to be a short break either. I don’t want to come back on my next good day. I want to come back where my good days are often and my bad days are rare. I need time to recover and heal. I need time to concentrate on my mental health and get myself back on my feet. I need to stand on stable ground and run forward. To be able to do that I need to take things off my plate. I need to concentrate on the little things. I can’t continue going through circles like this. I need to grab the bad days at its ball and get through them. Because let’s face it. Social media can be draining because there is this pressure to be a role model. To be open and raw but I can’t do that now. How can I open up about my feelings when I don’t even know how to describe them? How can I be raw when I’m not ready to share why I’m raw.

I want to heal and then come back and share the things that I really want to share but don’t have the words for it yet. I’m not sure how long I will be off social media, it can be 3 months or 6 months or a year. I have no idea if I’m honest with you. A part of me wants to say that I will still upload blogs every now and again but I can’t half ass this break. Otherwise before I know it I will be back to putting too much weight on my shoulders before I’m ready and break down again.

You know my one year anniversary of this blog is coming up soon. I really wanted to push through to make it at that point but I can’t. It’s not fair towards myself. But hey the two year anniversary will be extra special then…I don’t know what else to say. I’m not sure if I explained myself properly or if any of this makes sense. Heck I’ve said that like twenty times in this blog but it’s true. I need to find my words again.

Thank you so much reading and goodbye for now…

heart-2954170_1280

Mental Health, Story Time

This Blog Isn’t Even A Blog | Not That Important But Funny Though (I Hope)

Here we are once again. The day before a new blog goes up and I’m brainstorming about possible things to well turn into a blog. I have so many ideas but they all need more time to put into an actual good blog. Some things I just can’t throw together the night before you know. I hate this feeling so I’m really going to make it my goal to take time to write more blogs this upcoming week. I don’t have a choice. It needs to be done.

You know what’s unfair? You all already know what this blog turned out to be as well the title is a dead giveaway but here I am still racking my brain for ideas at 5pm.

So as always I turn for my husband for advice. While he basically ignores me and watch formula 1, I start to sing this song that has been stuck inside my head for WEEKS. I sing it every day and I only know like two lines. It’s ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’ by Elvis Presley. The only part I know is “wise men say only fools rush in” and “I can’t help falling in love with you.” That is it. And yes in case you were wondering I did indeed start to play this song after my husband threw this curve ball at me. You won’t believe what he said. I can see the title now…

My Husband Thinks I Can’t Sing

So yesterday evening I got the shock of my life when my husband said I can write a blog about my ruined singing career. Which we both laughed at considering my singing voice is a screeching mess so out of tune, tone deaf isn’t even scratching the service. Shortest blog in the history of my website ever. Let’s see what else I can think of.

I’ve been stalling to decide what this blog is going to be about for 300 words and I still have no idea. Honestly this entire weekend I’ve been working on the renovations and playing Sims 4. That’s it folks. Nothing super exciting happened minus the fact that we bought our first car on Friday. A car I can’t drive even though I have a drivers license…to make a long boring story well rant short my South African drivers license is worthless here in the Netherlands and I have to redo the entire process. Something that I’m so incredibly excited for (not).

Other than that I’ve been reading a lot, painting a lot, eating a lot and playing a lot of Sims. Boy that was such a boring sentence with a lot of well a lots. My writing is such a mess. Excuse me while I play Sims for four hours while I watch Supernatural. Oh yeah that’s also something I did this weekend. I restarted Supernatural! It was a show I was incredibly obsessed with when I was in high school and I haven’t watched any episodes passed season 8. I forgot how good the first season was. Seriously amazing. I can’t believe I found it kind of scary back then. Once you see someone eat his own nose and feed it to dogs (thank you, Hannibal) a few scenes of some creature won’t even make you blink. Onno and I also found the walking dead scary as hell when we started watching it. Now I’m like oh wow that’s some great special effects and hoping no one touches my precious characters. Don’t kill my precious biker with a big soft heart. I just want to put them into a little bubble and protect them from the man eating zombies. What would you do in a zombie apocalypse? It took Onno and I five minutes to spell apocalypse correctly. I wish I was kidding. Anyway I’m actually one of those people that would just off myself and my family. I’m like I would rather die by my own hand then be eaten alive you know. Also here in the Netherlands you’re kind of screwed. I mean there is no guns here(which is actually a really good thing for everyday life. Other countries should catch on. *Glances at a certain country with a certain president*). So what are you going to fight all the zombies with, a kitchen  knife? Or you going to escape a swarm of them by bicycle? Plus the country is so small and with so many people, the virus would spread faster than a fart in a small room.

I’m loving all my metaphors recently. I’m seriously stepping up with this whole I promise I’m funny thing here on my blog. I completely went of topic but all this talk about zombies finally gave me idea for this blog. Perfect timing and all as I’m nearly 800 words in and probably lost like all my readers. I also really want to go play Sims now.

If you could be any animal in this world. What animal would you be?  The past and present. And why?

I seriously didn’t think this would be so difficult to answer. I mean that’s a lot of animals. I know it won’t be anything in the ocean as well sharks and I just can’t touch that ball of anxiety that would follow from being in the ocean. I could be the biggest and scariest whale out there and I would still swim away when a shark comes close. The fear runs that deep.

I would like to be an animal that can just sleep all day in the nice warm sun and have food brought to them. The life of a king. The only animal I can think of is the male lion so I guess let’s go with that. It fits with my life motto, in my next life I want to be a cat. I want to sleep all day and have food served to me like I’m a master. Basically I would want to be my cat. The worst thing he experiences is maybe one of two too many kisses from his mother (he likes it, I mean he always comes back for a cuddle) and a bath every few months. That’s it. Sign me up! Also when I told my husband this he said: “How is that much different from real life?” Someone is feeling sassy today.

My husband’s response to the question was so brilliant I decided to write out exactly what was said.

The husband: “Maybe uhmmm I haven’t really thought about it.”

The wife: “Well think about it now. I have a blog to write.”

The husband: “A bird but a big bird.”

The wife: “What bird?”

The husband: “A eagle.”

The wife: “Why an eagle.”

The husband: “Because I get to fly and look down on people.”

The wife: “You also get to shit on them.”

Couple goals? What animal would you be? And why?

I think I’m just going to cut myself off right here because clearly this blog isn’t going anywhere. This blog isn’t even a blog. Oh wait I finally have my title. I’m sorry for those who came here for actual meaningful content. Like my previous blog showed, emotional and mentally it’s a bit rough right now. I’m not all happy sunshine and rainbows so well I don’t really feel like writing much. I’m sure you all will understand.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

heart-2954170_1280

 

 

Mental Health, Story Time

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay | Life Update

I’m sometimes the worst blogger ever. I have six complete blogs ready to go or nothing at all. There is no in between. Well today there is. I have some blogs finished but none of them are right to go up now. I have no idea if that makes sense, heck it barely makes sense to me. But most of the times I end up writing the blog the day before or like today, the same day hours before I goes online. It’s something I really want to work on. I must admit balancing my regular blogs, well not even completely regular as I now have a extra blog go up every Wednesday about the renovations, with working around the house has been so difficult. For starters I can’t get ahead at all and that frustrates me.

To be completely honest with you I have no idea what this blog is going to end up becoming. I’m just writing that is coming to mind and just seeing how things go. I just kind of want to talk to you all. Take a step back and just talk.

I’m not okay.

The thing is these last few months, heck this entire year has been just one roller coaster ride of overwhelming emotions. I don’t even know where to start or how to put everything in words.

In the beginning of the year we heard that my dearest grandmother is losing her battle with cancer. She has beat it twice already but this time around there is nothing they can do for her. It hit me hard. I realized that I won’t be able to see her again. I realized that I already saw her for the last time ever and even though she is still going, I’ve already hugged her for the last time. I don’t really know how to deal with death. I’ve never really lost someone through passing. When my childhood cat died my heart broke into tiny little pieces and I still get so emotional thinking about it…but this is my granny we’re talking about. I have so many wonderful memories I will forever cherish with her and I’m so grateful that she was in my life because she made everything shine so much brighter. Boy I’m getting emotional here. I’m just constantly crying if I’m straight with you. I’m overwhelmed. I really am. I’m not okay.

Around the exact same time we heard the news about my granny, I was diagnosed with PCOS. I don’t even know where to start with this one. I’ve talked about it before but I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Heck when I play Sims, I’m all about raising perfectly happy kids. Even thought every women with PCOS is different, some conceive without trying, some conceive immediately after starting hormone treatment, some lose baby after baby, some try for years without ever getting their little miracle baby. It’s a difficult thing to wrap your head around. Yes I don’t know where I am on the spectrum but it still scares me. It will probably always scare me.

And then we entered the renovations which was such a whirlwind. Honestly how can I even put this in words? Wow as a writer I’m really struggling to find words today. I never really try to explain or word my feelings so I’m a bit lost here. Throughout the incredibly draining renovations I was undergoing so many dentist procedures, big ones too. They pulled two teeth and I was in so much pain unable to eat normally for what feels like forever. It’s just been an unending amount of pain and torture in the dentist chair.

Oh did I mention I was hit by a car? Yes that actually happened and it sure as hell didn’t help with things. I’m so close to breaking point that I can cry if some stranger just raises their voice to me. My hormones being all over the show isn’t helping anything either, thanks PCOS. But yeah let me tell you about the little car accident that makes my heart go crazy every time I’m on a bicycle and close to where it happened.

So after a long and tiring day at the house, I wanted to head back to Rotterdam in the afternoon. Normally Onno would come pick me up, do a hour or so of work, before we head home after he finished work. On Thursdays Onno always works later and I really didn’t have it in me to work on the house for another six hours. I just wanted to go home and cuddle with Speculoos. At this point I’ve only bicycled to the station once with the GPS on so I thought I knew the way. I didn’t. So I notice that I have no idea where the station is and my train leaves in 15 minutes. The trains are every 30 minutes here so you really don’t want to miss your train. Anyway I stop and pull into a parking lot so I can open maps and see where I’m supposed to go. As I pull in I notice someone is in their car, their door is open, so I thought to myself let’s really get out of his way. This guy is old and probably won’t look. So I’m further away and I open my phone and start to figure out where the hell I am and where the hell I’m supposed to go to get to the train station and the next minute a bump lurches me forward. By some miracle I don’t fall over and keep myself upright and very slowly I turn around to see what just happened. The second I saw this car basically touching my leg, my entire heart dropped. It took my brain awhile to figure out that a car just hit me. The man paused, we made eye contact, and drove off.

At that moment so many things went through my head. I could’ve died. I’m not hurt. I’m okay. I could’ve died. I’m not even being over dramatic. If he reversed out of his parking with a speed and I fell over there is nothing stopping him from running me over. I mean the old fart is blind enough no to see my big ass meters, I really mean there was a space for two cars behind him to get out of his parking space NO PROBLEM, then he sure as hell wouldn’t have seen me under his wheel. That’s what got to me. My life could’ve ended at that moment. I have so much more I want to do in life. After calling Onno in absolute tears and shaking like a leaf while my heart desperately tried to escape my chest, I got so angry. Incredibly angry. It took me awhile to get myself together but I very slowly bicycled to the station and cried the entire train ride back to the city. I got away with a bump in my bicycle, great reminder by the way, and a few scratches on my leg. I needed a few days to pick myself together again and clung to Onno like a fly to poo.

The first time we went back to the place it happened my heart started to race and I was shaking like crazy when I rode a bicycle the first time after the accident. When I retell the story I mostly just get angry and emotional. I mean the timing of it. At that point I was exhausted, in so much physical pain, so emotional I could cry at every second and just over all scared. And then this old fart scares the life out of me. Oh just had to pause for a second and take a deep breath. Not even a week after that Onno had a little scare with a truck so that sure as hell didn’t help things. 2018 has been ROUGH.

The thing is I’m not okay right now. I have my days where the only thing I want to do is crawl into bed and never leave but I’m getting there. Some days are better than others and that’s okay. It’s okay not to be okay. At first I felt so guilty for feeling so well…depressed when I’m happily married, we just bought our first house together and my husband is my rock. I’m incredibly grateful for my husband and so happy about our new home but I’m not always okay. I repeat; it’s okay not to be okay. I will get there. I know I will.

So yeah, that what’s been going on. This blog was kind of all over the show but it feels good to have it out there. I kind of started to put up a front that I was doing just awesome with the PCOS and handling everything like a champ but I’m not. I don’t want to hide behind a screen and smile when I want to cry. I’m over that stage of my life. I’m sad. I’m happy. I’m exhausted. I’m excited. I’m okay and then I’m not okay. I’m laughing. I’m crying. I’m all over the show and that’s okay. It’s okay not to be okay.

Sorry for this gloomy update. It’s all I had in me to share today. We can’t always share the highs in life yah know.

Thank you for reading and I will see you in a click!

heart-2954170_1280