Mental Health

I Suffer From Depression And Anxiety

On Saturday, the first of September I shared something on all of my social media platforms (minus twitter but does it really count though?) that I’ve wanted to share for a very long time. I just didn’t have the courage to do so. Here is what I shared.

I always hated the word depression not for the reasons some might think. The man that caused my depression and anxiety is the same man who justified his abuse with his own depression. He was fighting his demons but in the process he was creating mine. I’m not saying this to receive pity or play the victim card. I’m finally sharing this because maybe it will set me free. I will no longer be the one who is ashamed of his actions. HE should be the one that is ashamed. So here goes; I was emotionally, physically and quite sickeningly sexually abused. It drove me towards suicidal thoughts and I quite terrifyingly was close to ending it all. But I didn’t because I was stubborn enough to want to push through. To kick, scream and give it all I have. For a very long time I hated connecting myself to the word depression because it was just too close to home but I’m done hiding or spinning myself into the web of denial. 2018 has been one ugly and beautiful year. Many great things happened but at the same time many things that spun me in a very bad state of depression happened. Things I will probably share one day when I’m ready. It became so bad where I had to seek help from others before I did something stupid and that’s when I learned how fucking good it feels to let it out. It’s no longer my dirty little secret, some heavy burden I carry around. It’s my past but not my future. Going forward I will surely have a few bad days but I vow to myself to always fight and not surrender. The depression won’t take my happiness away, not anymore.

***

Sharing something to the entire world that only a handful of people knew about me was incredibly difficult. Not even my own parents knew this. The ‘secret’ so to say was only known by my husband and best friend. That’s it. I’ve made it no secret that 2018 is kicking my ass. I’ve experienced heartbreak in this year that I can’t even begin to comprehend. Even though sharing this was incredibly difficult. I was scared. Beyond scared. What will people think of me? Who will I hurt in the process of sharing this? I wanted to feel free of the heavy burden that is this ‘secret’ so I did it. It felt really good. It’s out there in the world. It doesn’t define me whatsoever but it’s no longer this heavy burden I carry around. It feels good. I’m still scared, don’t get me wrong there. It’s still scary but I feel lighter.

These last two months offline was incredibly good for me but at the same time, not so much. So much has happened, I’ve cried harder I’ve ever cried in my entire life. I went offline to improve my mental health and in the beginning I was just allowing the depression to take root of me. Push me down to the point where I could barely breathe. After joining online counseling and reaching out to a therapist, I’ve decided if I want to honestly improve my mental health I need to give it my all. The first step was to share my story. The second step is to set myself a firm routine and get back to the things I’m passionate about. Writing. Stories and blogs. Working out.

I want to make September my month. My month to push myself, try out new things and heal.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS. You can find all things technical about what to expect of my blog moving forward by clicking here — https://fitcouchpotato.com/2018/09/02/a-brand-new-start-what-to-expect-from-me-in-september-2018/

Mental Health, Story Time

Goodbye For Now | A Break From Social Media

I’ve written this blog only to scratch it a few sentences in too many times to count. I don’t really know where to start or what to say. I’m just going to talk to you, I guess.

I’ve taken a break from social media a few times by now. They weren’t really that long because I always felt this pressure. You see I don’t want my blogging to be a hobby. I want this to turn into something bigger. I want to publish my stories and be an author. It’s always been my dream to be a writer and starting this blog lit up the fire inside of me that was dying out. I started writing when I was about fourteen. My friend at a time loved writing stories and before I knew it I started to write too. Before that I would escape in worlds created by other writers but for the first time I created my own world. My own little haven to fall into. I wrote through the darkest time of my life. It was my outlet and then I stopped. I don’t really know why I stopped. I can probably give you a lot of excuses but to be honest something changed. I changed. I was finding myself, exploring new things and falling. I don’t really know how to explain it to be honest. When it comes to my own feelings and thoughts I struggle to put them into words.

I want to take a break. I’m too overwhelmed. I have to many things happening and if I don’t take a step back I will collapse. At first I felt like I should just write my blogs and eventually all of this will pass but the thing is I can’t get myself to write about it all. I can’t find the words. It feels wrong and fake to write these funny little blogs because I feel like I’m hiding myself. Maybe today is just a bad day. Maybe I’m overreacting and next week I will be okay and write till my fingers go numb but another bad day will come. I’m not even sure if I’m making sense. My brain feels foggy and I’m struggling to understand. I’m really not okay. I need space. I need some time to pick myself up completely. These last few months I’ve been stumbling a lot. Something would happen that would knock my feet right out from underneath me and I would push myself to get up but the ground underneath me is falling apart and I’m stumbling.

A part of me feels like I’m letting my readers down. A part of me doesn’t want to stop working on my blog because it’s been doing so well. A part of me wants to get more followers and subscribers and just go big. A part of me doesn’t want to disappoint the few that actually read my blogs. But you know it’s not all about that. I don’t want to care about the numbers and statistics. It’s not why I originally started this blog. The more I’m trying to explain what’s going through my mind right now the more I’m going in circles. I feel like I’m not making sense at all. I have no idea how to go about writing this blog because to be honest I can’t really put it into words. So for now I’m going to get technical.

I’m going to take a break from social media and my blog. It’s not going to be a short break either. I don’t want to come back on my next good day. I want to come back where my good days are often and my bad days are rare. I need time to recover and heal. I need time to concentrate on my mental health and get myself back on my feet. I need to stand on stable ground and run forward. To be able to do that I need to take things off my plate. I need to concentrate on the little things. I can’t continue going through circles like this. I need to grab the bad days at its ball and get through them. Because let’s face it. Social media can be draining because there is this pressure to be a role model. To be open and raw but I can’t do that now. How can I open up about my feelings when I don’t even know how to describe them? How can I be raw when I’m not ready to share why I’m raw.

I want to heal and then come back and share the things that I really want to share but don’t have the words for it yet. I’m not sure how long I will be off social media, it can be 3 months or 6 months or a year. I have no idea if I’m honest with you. A part of me wants to say that I will still upload blogs every now and again but I can’t half ass this break. Otherwise before I know it I will be back to putting too much weight on my shoulders before I’m ready and break down again.

You know my one year anniversary of this blog is coming up soon. I really wanted to push through to make it at that point but I can’t. It’s not fair towards myself. But hey the two year anniversary will be extra special then…I don’t know what else to say. I’m not sure if I explained myself properly or if any of this makes sense. Heck I’ve said that like twenty times in this blog but it’s true. I need to find my words again.

Thank you so much reading and goodbye for now…

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Mental Health, Story Time

This Blog Isn’t Even A Blog | Not That Important But Funny Though (I Hope)

Here we are once again. The day before a new blog goes up and I’m brainstorming about possible things to well turn into a blog. I have so many ideas but they all need more time to put into an actual good blog. Some things I just can’t throw together the night before you know. I hate this feeling so I’m really going to make it my goal to take time to write more blogs this upcoming week. I don’t have a choice. It needs to be done.

You know what’s unfair? You all already know what this blog turned out to be as well the title is a dead giveaway but here I am still racking my brain for ideas at 5pm.

So as always I turn for my husband for advice. While he basically ignores me and watch formula 1, I start to sing this song that has been stuck inside my head for WEEKS. I sing it every day and I only know like two lines. It’s ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love’ by Elvis Presley. The only part I know is “wise men say only fools rush in” and “I can’t help falling in love with you.” That is it. And yes in case you were wondering I did indeed start to play this song after my husband threw this curve ball at me. You won’t believe what he said. I can see the title now…

My Husband Thinks I Can’t Sing

So yesterday evening I got the shock of my life when my husband said I can write a blog about my ruined singing career. Which we both laughed at considering my singing voice is a screeching mess so out of tune, tone deaf isn’t even scratching the service. Shortest blog in the history of my website ever. Let’s see what else I can think of.

I’ve been stalling to decide what this blog is going to be about for 300 words and I still have no idea. Honestly this entire weekend I’ve been working on the renovations and playing Sims 4. That’s it folks. Nothing super exciting happened minus the fact that we bought our first car on Friday. A car I can’t drive even though I have a drivers license…to make a long boring story well rant short my South African drivers license is worthless here in the Netherlands and I have to redo the entire process. Something that I’m so incredibly excited for (not).

Other than that I’ve been reading a lot, painting a lot, eating a lot and playing a lot of Sims. Boy that was such a boring sentence with a lot of well a lots. My writing is such a mess. Excuse me while I play Sims for four hours while I watch Supernatural. Oh yeah that’s also something I did this weekend. I restarted Supernatural! It was a show I was incredibly obsessed with when I was in high school and I haven’t watched any episodes passed season 8. I forgot how good the first season was. Seriously amazing. I can’t believe I found it kind of scary back then. Once you see someone eat his own nose and feed it to dogs (thank you, Hannibal) a few scenes of some creature won’t even make you blink. Onno and I also found the walking dead scary as hell when we started watching it. Now I’m like oh wow that’s some great special effects and hoping no one touches my precious characters. Don’t kill my precious biker with a big soft heart. I just want to put them into a little bubble and protect them from the man eating zombies. What would you do in a zombie apocalypse? It took Onno and I five minutes to spell apocalypse correctly. I wish I was kidding. Anyway I’m actually one of those people that would just off myself and my family. I’m like I would rather die by my own hand then be eaten alive you know. Also here in the Netherlands you’re kind of screwed. I mean there is no guns here(which is actually a really good thing for everyday life. Other countries should catch on. *Glances at a certain country with a certain president*). So what are you going to fight all the zombies with, a kitchen  knife? Or you going to escape a swarm of them by bicycle? Plus the country is so small and with so many people, the virus would spread faster than a fart in a small room.

I’m loving all my metaphors recently. I’m seriously stepping up with this whole I promise I’m funny thing here on my blog. I completely went of topic but all this talk about zombies finally gave me idea for this blog. Perfect timing and all as I’m nearly 800 words in and probably lost like all my readers. I also really want to go play Sims now.

If you could be any animal in this world. What animal would you be?  The past and present. And why?

I seriously didn’t think this would be so difficult to answer. I mean that’s a lot of animals. I know it won’t be anything in the ocean as well sharks and I just can’t touch that ball of anxiety that would follow from being in the ocean. I could be the biggest and scariest whale out there and I would still swim away when a shark comes close. The fear runs that deep.

I would like to be an animal that can just sleep all day in the nice warm sun and have food brought to them. The life of a king. The only animal I can think of is the male lion so I guess let’s go with that. It fits with my life motto, in my next life I want to be a cat. I want to sleep all day and have food served to me like I’m a master. Basically I would want to be my cat. The worst thing he experiences is maybe one of two too many kisses from his mother (he likes it, I mean he always comes back for a cuddle) and a bath every few months. That’s it. Sign me up! Also when I told my husband this he said: “How is that much different from real life?” Someone is feeling sassy today.

My husband’s response to the question was so brilliant I decided to write out exactly what was said.

The husband: “Maybe uhmmm I haven’t really thought about it.”

The wife: “Well think about it now. I have a blog to write.”

The husband: “A bird but a big bird.”

The wife: “What bird?”

The husband: “A eagle.”

The wife: “Why an eagle.”

The husband: “Because I get to fly and look down on people.”

The wife: “You also get to shit on them.”

Couple goals? What animal would you be? And why?

I think I’m just going to cut myself off right here because clearly this blog isn’t going anywhere. This blog isn’t even a blog. Oh wait I finally have my title. I’m sorry for those who came here for actual meaningful content. Like my previous blog showed, emotional and mentally it’s a bit rough right now. I’m not all happy sunshine and rainbows so well I don’t really feel like writing much. I’m sure you all will understand.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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Mental Health, Story Time

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay | Life Update

I’m sometimes the worst blogger ever. I have six complete blogs ready to go or nothing at all. There is no in between. Well today there is. I have some blogs finished but none of them are right to go up now. I have no idea if that makes sense, heck it barely makes sense to me. But most of the times I end up writing the blog the day before or like today, the same day hours before I goes online. It’s something I really want to work on. I must admit balancing my regular blogs, well not even completely regular as I now have a extra blog go up every Wednesday about the renovations, with working around the house has been so difficult. For starters I can’t get ahead at all and that frustrates me.

To be completely honest with you I have no idea what this blog is going to end up becoming. I’m just writing that is coming to mind and just seeing how things go. I just kind of want to talk to you all. Take a step back and just talk.

I’m not okay.

The thing is these last few months, heck this entire year has been just one roller coaster ride of overwhelming emotions. I don’t even know where to start or how to put everything in words.

In the beginning of the year we heard that my dearest grandmother is losing her battle with cancer. She has beat it twice already but this time around there is nothing they can do for her. It hit me hard. I realized that I won’t be able to see her again. I realized that I already saw her for the last time ever and even though she is still going, I’ve already hugged her for the last time. I don’t really know how to deal with death. I’ve never really lost someone through passing. When my childhood cat died my heart broke into tiny little pieces and I still get so emotional thinking about it…but this is my granny we’re talking about. I have so many wonderful memories I will forever cherish with her and I’m so grateful that she was in my life because she made everything shine so much brighter. Boy I’m getting emotional here. I’m just constantly crying if I’m straight with you. I’m overwhelmed. I really am. I’m not okay.

Around the exact same time we heard the news about my granny, I was diagnosed with PCOS. I don’t even know where to start with this one. I’ve talked about it before but I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Heck when I play Sims, I’m all about raising perfectly happy kids. Even thought every women with PCOS is different, some conceive without trying, some conceive immediately after starting hormone treatment, some lose baby after baby, some try for years without ever getting their little miracle baby. It’s a difficult thing to wrap your head around. Yes I don’t know where I am on the spectrum but it still scares me. It will probably always scare me.

And then we entered the renovations which was such a whirlwind. Honestly how can I even put this in words? Wow as a writer I’m really struggling to find words today. I never really try to explain or word my feelings so I’m a bit lost here. Throughout the incredibly draining renovations I was undergoing so many dentist procedures, big ones too. They pulled two teeth and I was in so much pain unable to eat normally for what feels like forever. It’s just been an unending amount of pain and torture in the dentist chair.

Oh did I mention I was hit by a car? Yes that actually happened and it sure as hell didn’t help with things. I’m so close to breaking point that I can cry if some stranger just raises their voice to me. My hormones being all over the show isn’t helping anything either, thanks PCOS. But yeah let me tell you about the little car accident that makes my heart go crazy every time I’m on a bicycle and close to where it happened.

So after a long and tiring day at the house, I wanted to head back to Rotterdam in the afternoon. Normally Onno would come pick me up, do a hour or so of work, before we head home after he finished work. On Thursdays Onno always works later and I really didn’t have it in me to work on the house for another six hours. I just wanted to go home and cuddle with Speculoos. At this point I’ve only bicycled to the station once with the GPS on so I thought I knew the way. I didn’t. So I notice that I have no idea where the station is and my train leaves in 15 minutes. The trains are every 30 minutes here so you really don’t want to miss your train. Anyway I stop and pull into a parking lot so I can open maps and see where I’m supposed to go. As I pull in I notice someone is in their car, their door is open, so I thought to myself let’s really get out of his way. This guy is old and probably won’t look. So I’m further away and I open my phone and start to figure out where the hell I am and where the hell I’m supposed to go to get to the train station and the next minute a bump lurches me forward. By some miracle I don’t fall over and keep myself upright and very slowly I turn around to see what just happened. The second I saw this car basically touching my leg, my entire heart dropped. It took my brain awhile to figure out that a car just hit me. The man paused, we made eye contact, and drove off.

At that moment so many things went through my head. I could’ve died. I’m not hurt. I’m okay. I could’ve died. I’m not even being over dramatic. If he reversed out of his parking with a speed and I fell over there is nothing stopping him from running me over. I mean the old fart is blind enough no to see my big ass meters, I really mean there was a space for two cars behind him to get out of his parking space NO PROBLEM, then he sure as hell wouldn’t have seen me under his wheel. That’s what got to me. My life could’ve ended at that moment. I have so much more I want to do in life. After calling Onno in absolute tears and shaking like a leaf while my heart desperately tried to escape my chest, I got so angry. Incredibly angry. It took me awhile to get myself together but I very slowly bicycled to the station and cried the entire train ride back to the city. I got away with a bump in my bicycle, great reminder by the way, and a few scratches on my leg. I needed a few days to pick myself together again and clung to Onno like a fly to poo.

The first time we went back to the place it happened my heart started to race and I was shaking like crazy when I rode a bicycle the first time after the accident. When I retell the story I mostly just get angry and emotional. I mean the timing of it. At that point I was exhausted, in so much physical pain, so emotional I could cry at every second and just over all scared. And then this old fart scares the life out of me. Oh just had to pause for a second and take a deep breath. Not even a week after that Onno had a little scare with a truck so that sure as hell didn’t help things. 2018 has been ROUGH.

The thing is I’m not okay right now. I have my days where the only thing I want to do is crawl into bed and never leave but I’m getting there. Some days are better than others and that’s okay. It’s okay not to be okay. At first I felt so guilty for feeling so well…depressed when I’m happily married, we just bought our first house together and my husband is my rock. I’m incredibly grateful for my husband and so happy about our new home but I’m not always okay. I repeat; it’s okay not to be okay. I will get there. I know I will.

So yeah, that what’s been going on. This blog was kind of all over the show but it feels good to have it out there. I kind of started to put up a front that I was doing just awesome with the PCOS and handling everything like a champ but I’m not. I don’t want to hide behind a screen and smile when I want to cry. I’m over that stage of my life. I’m sad. I’m happy. I’m exhausted. I’m excited. I’m okay and then I’m not okay. I’m laughing. I’m crying. I’m all over the show and that’s okay. It’s okay not to be okay.

Sorry for this gloomy update. It’s all I had in me to share today. We can’t always share the highs in life yah know.

Thank you for reading and I will see you in a click!

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#pcos, Mental Health, Self Love

How Kicking Coffee Out Of My Diet Improved My Acne | PCOS

I struggled with acne a lot when I hit puberty. It was truly horrible. Wait let me see if I can find a picture. I had this particular picture in mind and finding it meant deep diving on my old external hard drive. It was bad. Really bad. I’ve seen things.

Here is a picture of my mom and I when I was about twelve or thirteen. As you can see my entire face is covered with acne. I felt so self conscious about it, we went to the doctor and I was placed on the pill which I stayed on all the way till I turned nineteen. It helped with my acne a lot. I was in no way perfectly clean skin but outside an occasional acne pop up here and there my worries was behind me. Of course I scratched at my acne like crazy and now have scars on my chin that really comes out when I’m getting hot. They’re a nightmare in the summer. Is this even making sense? Anyway my point is I’ve had my fair share of acne problems that didn’t go away even when I was on the pill. Wait before I continue here is the picture.

Daggie saam 02

When I came abroad as au pair I had to go onto a new pill and  my body just didn’t respond well to the pill at all. My periods were all over the show and really bad. My acne was flaring up like crazy and after about three months I decided to stop taking the pill all together. At this point my logic was well like I’m single and my hormones should be all together now that I’m older so let’s see how it goes without the pill. The acne was a bit better without the new pill and my periods took two months to return to normal but otherwise it felt like the best choice. I was regularly washing my face and never slept with my make up on (I only started to wear make up around this time anyway). The acne wasn’t as bad. I could handle it. Anyway I met my now husband and went back onto the pill for two months before I just couldn’t take it anymore. My body responded horribly to this pill (why I didn’t go to the doctor and asked for a different kind is beyond me). There is a point to this. You need to know my back story with acne. Also I’m too far in to go back now. To get to the point though, I always had acne on my face but once I went off the pill I had a little more here and there. It was controllable and I didn’t mind it too much. Flash forward to a few months and suddenly my acne was just ten times worse. I was basically two pimples away from my thirteen year old self but throw in back acne in the mix. I was still in South Africa at the time without a medical aid so I figured I can wait till I’m in the Netherlands.

Once I got here and returned to my healthier lifestyle, some of the acne approved but not all of it. When I started to gain weight like crazy out of the blue, my acne flared up again. This time it was horrible. I felt so self conscious and dirty about it and I tried everything. I started using face masks once a week (which made a difference) and a face scrub and cleanser everyday but the back acne, boy that girl was here to stay. No amount of greens and products changed that.

After I was diagnosed with PCOS, I did a lot of research. Some of my research showed that coffee (or well caffeine in general) is horrible for our hormones and can make our acne worse. At this point I was desperate to feel more like myself and just feel attractive again in any shape or form I can, so I kicked all coffee out of my diet. I immediately saw a response. My back acne completely disappeared and my face cleared up. Now I do have to add that around a month after I stopped drinking coffee, I started drinking supplements for my PCOS which also cleared up the last bit of lingering pimples. I now only get pimples when I’m on my period or when I eat too much junk food.

For those who would be interested in why coffee is so bad for those with PCOS here is a section from the main PCOS book I follow, Natural Solutions to PCOS by Marilyn Glenville (—https://www.marilynglenville.com/books/natural-solutions-to-pcos-book/ — ).

*If you have, by now, made the switch to unrefined carbohydrates, you will already be working hard to keep your blood-sugar levels on an even keel. It is the energy dips and troughs and long gaps between meals that trigger the adrenal glands into action, encouraging them to pimp out the stress hormones that are so harmful to sufferers of PCOS. But if you are serious about getting to the bottom of your PCOS symptoms, you really need to try to keep those adrenal glands as happy as possible. The key to adrenal health is to cut right back on caffeine. Anything containing caffeine acts as a stimulant that will make your body release more of the stress hormones and cause blood-sugar-levels to fluctuate. We know that women with PCOS have increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol, so it is vital to help reduce these in order to reduce insulin levels. Like alcohol, caffeine also acts as a diuretic, so if you drink a lot, you risk losing valuable nutrients like zinc (which is crucial for hormone balance) through your urine.*

I do need to add that in the same breath that I’ve seen other websites on PCOS disagreeing with the no coffee statement of Dr. Marilyn but if you have PCOS and your struggling with acne, I recommended just trying it for a month. I tried it, saw I benefited from not drinking coffee and now I only drink coffee every now and again. There is a lot of options out there for those addicted to coffee so not all is lost. I hope this helps. I will share the face products I use another time.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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Mental Health, Story Time

My Worst Bitchy Moment Ever

I will be honest. I paused before publishing this blog. What if people start to see me as a bad person? What if my true intention that I want to achieve with this blog gets lost? What if I didn’t do a good enough job to explain myself properly? This is nerve wrecking but I’m a big girl and I’m not ashamed to confess that I made a mistake. I said some things that was wrong and I didn’t mean any of it. I think what’s important about growing up is not being afraid to admit when you’re wrong and trying your utmost best to make it right. So enough stalling. I’m going to click publish and just hope the message will be received.

***

My worst bitchy moment ever, happened a few years ago here in the Netherlands. Onno and I just started dating and we went to Starbucks for a drink. We were in that awkward stage of the year where it’s sometimes hot but you better be prepared for rain. At this point of my life I was a few months in my fitness journey and finally losing weight. I still didn’t have the confidence to show skin or any of that. My warped way of thinking was if I can’t pull it off then someone bigger than me certainly won’t be able to pull it off. You’re allowed to slap my past self. I think about this often. I honestly and truly wish I can take back those words and I can only imagine how much it hurt this girl and if I can ever meet her again I would definitely apologize.

In front of us in the Starbuck line, a bigger girl was wearing a black shirt with a open back. I loudly said that oh wow she’s wearing that? Like I can’t pull that off and I’m so much skinnier then her. Yeah. I said that. Out loud. She could hear me. Imagine the worst bitchy voice you’ve heard in a movie, that was me. She did hear me and talked to her friend next to her in Dutch. I have no idea what she said as back then my Dutch was really rusty. I however didn’t stop there. Oh no. It gets worse. I then pressured Onno to agree with me. The poor guy was so awkward and didn’t know how to tell me to shut the hell up. It truly was my worst bitchy moment ever.

I felt so horrible about my own body I felt like it was perfectly okay to hate on this girl. A real life troll. The thing is losing weight isn’t going to magically give you body confidence and self love. You’re not magically going to become a better person because you lost a few pounds. I’m not saying I’m a horrible person but that moment…I sure as hell wasn’t my true self.

I’m truly sorry for hurting your feelings. I was a bitch and I didn’t mean a single word I said that day.

The point I want to achieve with this blog is that people change and sometimes people say things without a filter without meaning them. Sometimes you hurt someone even though you never meant to do so. The best thing you can do is apologize. Correct your wrongs and learn from them. Don’t make the same mistake again. Become a better person. Today I pause and consider my words more.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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Mental Health

One Week Offline For My Mental Health

So this blog post is probably going to be hard to write. I can’t be sure yet as I just started to write it and I’m 30 words in. Awwh I’m so funny. I guess I should explain a little although I have no idea how to really explain it. How to explain something like this? I felt like shit because of my family stuff and couldn’t emotionally handle the pressure that came with social media so I took myself away from it and just allowed myself to feel every single emotion and get well. Well now look at that. It was quite simple to put in words. I got straight to the point.

Now I don’t make it a habit to be out in the open about family stuff because it’s not just my story to tell but I can talk about some things I guess. So I’m just getting straight to the point before I get to emotional. My dad injured himself at the work and he had to go in for an operation. I obviously worried myself sick. My dad’s health history isn’t the greatest so that only added to the stress. The operation itself was a success and my brother was by my father’s side so I relaxed and breathed, but two days after my brother left (he lives six hours away) my dad’s leg got infected and he was admitted back into the hospital. For the next week it was a constant ride of one moment good news and the next moment bad news. It got too much and I took a step away from the social media although I wasn’t that active while all this went down. I just felt the responsibility to be active on social media and that was just unnecessary pressure on myself. Eventually things started to look up and my father was released. Once more my brother was at his side and the two of us are now comforted knowing that my dad is settled and he has people in town to be there to take care of my dad when the two of us can’t be there. I can finally breathe.

The thing I never thought before moving abroad was how it would feel when my parents need me but I can’t be there for them. It’s like a punch right where it really hurts and there is nothing you can do about it. These last few weeks I’ve been feeling so many emotions and it took me years to accept that sometimes I can’t control my emotions and it’s okay not be okay. I don’t just feel sad, I feel heartbroken. Negative emotions are heightened and positive emotions are followed by a tint of guilt. Even though I try to get myself out of my funks it’s something out of my control. If something upsetting happens in my life it effects me in ways I can’t even begin to explain. I’m working on it as recently I’ve been trying to make it a habit to prioritize my mental health more. So for now I’m just allowing myself to feel every single emotion and take a moment to myself. Eventually I want to be able to have steps I can follow to get myself out of the funk as I can’t just put a pause on my life every time I feel bleh. This post is turning out to be a little too personal in a way. I don’t feel too comfortable talking about my mental health. I don’t really know how to handle it so the last thing I should do is talk about it like I know what I’m talking about. One day I will sing a different tune. It will just take time. After some thinking I came up with a plan. I really do want to concentrate on my mental health more so for one entire week every month I’m going to take 30 minutes every day and spend those minutes on my mental health. I’m not sure what I’m going to do in those 30 minutes but I will figure it out I’m sure. I’m going to end it here with one last fleeting goodbye thought that technically speaking isn’t mine.

“You cannot heal a lifetime of pain overnight, be patient with yourself. It takes as long as it takes to rebuild yourself.”

Be kind to your MIND

Do what you LOVE

Have FUN with friends and be active

CELEBRATE what makes you SPECIAL

EAT healthy

Take a BREAK

CONNECT with others

Give your TIME

Help out SHARE a smile

SING

GIVE a hand

SLEEP

Do things BIG and small

Be UNIQUE

Feel totally free to BE SILLY

Giggle & LAUGH

If you want to learn more about mental health then follow this link https://www.mentalhealth.gov/basics/what-is-mental-health/index.html although I can’t say I’ve read through the entire website. It looks quite good though. Another website that I’ve bookmarked to fully read through is https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/recoveringfrommentalillness/2014/09/mental-health-101-developing-coping-strategies/ and last but not least here is a website for advice on coping mechanisms for people who struggle with mental health – http://www.mhww.org/strategies.html