Body & Soul, Mental Health

Addressing One Of My Biggest Flaws

There is three months left of this year and I want to make the most of it. I think I speak for everyone when I say 2019 has royally sucked on the most part. This probably would be a great moment to list some of the shitty stuff that has happened this year but honestly, I’m in an okay mood so why spoil it? Quite frankly, if I somehow get through this year without falling apart, I would consider it an achievement and pat myself on the back. But this isn’t the point of this blog. Yes, this blog actually has a point. Instead of focusing on all the shitty moments that made 2019 absolutely terrible and reflecting on that long ass list I made of stuff that I wanted to achieve that I know is quite frankly impossible…I want to take this moment to plan these next three months. Holy shit, that’s a really bad sentence. I apologize. I promise I’m an author? Buy my eBook? Anyway, in classic Cassy fashion, I digress. I plan to completely ignore all my failed plans and goals up to this point and instead make a realistic list of shit I want to do these next three months. Some of this shit I want to keep under the wraps because why tell you exactly what blogs to expect and then shoot myself in the foot when I no longer feel like writing about it? Also, take a shot every time I say shit.

Disclaimer: Cassandra is in no way, shape or form condoning the misuse of alcohol. It’s a joke. Also, I trust your responsible enough not to drown your liver on my say so. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Let’s talk about my personal goals for these next three months.

  • I want to complete one fitness program. This could either be a yoga-based routine or a strengthening workout routine similar to BBG (Bikini Body Guide by Kayla Itsines).
  • I want to complete two challenges and as I will most likely share this on my blog, I won’t go into too much detail. One of the challenges is everyday for a week while the other is for two weeks.
  • I want to complete another one-month food experiment (the first experiment being the fasting once a week). I will have to think quite a bit and decide which of my possible experiments would be the best fit. I really don’t want to overwhelm myself.
  • I want to complete all three remaining Immigrations tests that I have been postponing literally this entire year.
  • I want to start with a new first draft story and finally start work on my next eBook. It’s ‘Chocolate Chip Cookies And Pink Nails’ just in case you were wondering. I’ve been dying to take the feedback I’ve received and give this story my all. The transformation a story goes through after that initial first draft into the final copy is so exciting.

It might seem like a lot but honestly – it’s just five things and if I’m smart about it, it won’t be too much to handle. I can still have those barely leave the bed days. I can’t go into too much detail about my plans for the blog but I can say that my personal goal is to return back to my normal update schedule where there is a blog every Monday and a new blog every second Friday. So far with the entire month of October planned out, it’s quite doable. Speaking of blogs, I hinted in my awkward return that there will be collab with other bloggers and the return of my Sims 4 remaking meals series. This is all true. I’m going to attempt to collab once a month but seriously don’t hold your breath. Finding a blogger I connect with isn’t as easy as I thought it would be but saying that, trust that the people who I do decide to collab with is people whose content I truly enjoy. Fuck, I can’t write blogs anymore. The Sims 4 blog series and the review blog series that I never quite finished will start again but this time it will be a little more spaced out. Just for the next few months until I can get a moment to work ahead. Once I’ve gotten ahead, we can return to the normal every three weeks. For now, the two will trade. We will start with a new Sims 4 meal (hamburger cake) and then three weeks later we will have a review. Three weeks after that we will have another Sims 4 meal and finally just before the year end, we will have one more review. I know it isn’t ideal but your girl has a lot of things she is working on and well I’m only one person and quite frankly, I need to rest. I personally think the key to success and fulfilling your goals is to pick and choose a small handful, put all of your focus towards them and once you’ve completed those few, you can choose the next few and focus on that. Fuck, my writing is bad. You will have to excuse me, I’m out of practice. What I’m trying to say is instead of focusing on my 101 ideas I have for my website which includes projects and one-month challenges, I’m going to choose just five. I will then give myself an x amount of time (in this case I gave myself three months) to complete those 5 tasks. I guess I could discuss these five tasks?

  • Return to my normal update schedule.
  • Restart both of my blog series.
  • Collab with another blogger(s).
  • Launch one of my projects.
  • Write. This one has three subcategories. I want to work on a new first draft (the one I will share on here every second Sunday). I want to start work on my next eBook and finally I want to write one of the five extra chapters for my eBook that launched in June. Yes, you’re experiencing déjà vu. I so desperately want to get back to writing, it’s on both of my lists.

Looking at this blog, I feel a mixture of emotions. I’m 60% excited, I’m 30% overwhelmed and I’m 10% stressed. I wouldn’t say it’s a bad stress but it’s more like I don’t want to disappoint myself? I don’t want to quit on myself. I want to complete my goals and end this shitty year on a happy note? But at the same time, I know that life can really derail plans and I’m scared? If I’m not making any sense to you, well join the club. I genuinely confuse myself 90% of the time. I barely understand what’s going through my head but writing always helps so uhmm hello? Sorry for this mess? On a good note, it feels good to address one of my biggest flaws and attempt to combat it a little. In case you haven’t noticed, I get overwhelmed incredibly easily. My problem is that I want to complete 101 tasks all in one go which is quite frankly impossible. Trust me, I’ve tried. And when I can’t, I derail. Baby steps, hey?

I’m going to wrap this one up, mainly because it’s pure chaos at this point and my husband should be home any moment now. I just want to take this moment to thank you all for sticking around while I was offline. It feels good to be back and I can’t wait to connect with you all again.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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#pcos, Body Love, Mental Health, Self Love

So, I’m Bigger Now. Does It Matter? | Weight Gain & PCOS

I’ve talked about my weight gain and my reaction to my now bigger body before, but just a few short minutes ago while I was talking to my husband, I had that oh so famously Ah-Ha moment, and I want to share this with you.

The conversation came up when I was telling my husband how I’m scared to see people from my life that was there to witness my “skinnier” and “fitter” days. I’m scared to hear what they’re going to say. I’m scared that one of the first words out of their mouths is going to be: “Boy, you really let yourself go.” or “You are so much bigger since the last time I saw you.”. All my life, I’ve never been skinny enough. I couldn’t wear this or that because I had a slight pooch. What are they going to say now when my slight pooch has turned into a lot of love in the trunk. I caught myself trying to explain that I have little control over my weight gain. It’s a health thing. It’s hormonal. I’m doing everything in my power to be healthy and 80% of the time I am, but my body is working against me. It doesn’t matter that I’m beyond active, that I don’t drink or smoke and barely consume junk food. Heck, I barely eat candy anymore. That doesn’t matter, because I’m a big girl now. I’m fat. As I was trying to explain or make excuses for my new body, anger started to boil deep inside my gut. Why the fuck am I connecting my worth as a person to my weight? Why the fuck does it matter? I’m sick of tired of feeling like I can’t wear skin-tight clothes or anything that shows my ‘fat’ because it doesn’t suit my body type anymore. I’m sick and tired of feeling that I need to hide my body. I’m sick and tired of beating myself up or hating what I see in the mirror. I have said all of this before. I’ve tried countless thing to accept my body and love my extra love in the trunk, but you know what, it was a lot easier to sing that tune when I was skinnier. Now, when I’m noticeably bigger (30kg heavier), it’s really fucking difficult, and it shouldn’t have to be. It’s really fucking sad because even when I had those abs when I flexed, I still didn’t like what I saw. I still didn’t wear those skin-tight clothes or showed off my body with confidence. I still felt ugly. It just doesn’t matter. I’m not going to be remembered for my body when I die. It’s not going to matter if I was short, tall, skinny or fat, heck let’s throw in yellow- or purple-skinned. My outer appearance is going to mean jack shit when I’m dead. It’s what is on the inside that matters. That’s what you should care about. And more importantly, that’s what I should care about.

It’s funny. I’ve never (Well, if we want to get technical I have for a few seconds but that was more a reflection of my own demons than about that girls’s actual body.) looked at anyone and judged them for their outer appearance, but why am I doing it to the person I’m supposed to love most in this world, me? I still have a long way to go, and I’m going to start challenging myself when it comes to accepting my body as is. I wasn’t put on this green and blue earth to constantly deprive myself of pleasantries, starve myself, and wish my body was different. I was put on this earth to be me. So, when anyone brings up my bigger body or my weight gain, I’m not going to go in attack mode or try to explain myself. Instead, I will ask: “Does it matter?” and if they say “yes” then that tells you more about them than anything else. You’re so much more than your outer shell.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Love, Cassy xxx

Mental Health

Day 13/25: I Worked Out | Mojo Magic

A miracle happened guys. I actually did a workout. Gasp. I restarted my fitness journey on the 1st of August and so far things have been very promising. The first day was pretty damn intense but it feels good to be active again.

I’m not going to stretch this one out mainly because I’m beyond exhausted and there is only so much I can say about completing my first workout in a few months. I will try to be better with these blogs.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.

Mental Health

Day 12/25: I Spoiled Myself With New Fun Goodies | Mojo Magic

I don’t want to be one of those bitches that’s like I never buy anything for myself but I kind of am? Like don’t get me wrong every few weeks I will buy a nail polish bottle but that’s about it. Okay, I sometimes buy funky cups. I should share my cup collection. I have a problem. Does buying candy count as spoiling yourself? It’s not like I buy clothes for myself either. I buy clothes when my old clothes don’t fit me anymore. Anyway, a lackluster introduction aside, I spoiled myself. It had little to do with the fact that it was apart of the project. I’ve been saving up to purchase these products for a while now.

I’ve been dying to start digital art for actual years now. It started when I discovered Anime (one of my best friends recommended Naruto and I haven’t looked back since) but it was only when my friend got a drawing tablet and started to draw digitally that I wanted one too (same friend). It just looked so much fun. Now, 8 years later, I have a tablet. After doing a lot of research, I settled on purchasing an iPad, because I can get more use out of it than just a drawing tablet. The next thing on my list was a new fitness watch. For maybe a year I had a FitBit charge that I had to send back. The strap broke and instead of buying a new one (I got fully refunded), we put that money towards my computer. Saying that I still wanted a new FitBit. It gives me a little push when it comes to my physical health. Which I need. So, I asked around and did my research and settled on the FitBit Versa.

So, that’s the two things I bought to spoil myself. I paid for it with my tax payout. I’m actually looking forward to my first paycheck. I want to spoil my husband. I’m going to take him out to that nice restaurant I love so much (all gluten-free), buy him a new fancy shirt (Onno has expensive taste) and a fitness watch or a fancy coffee machine. We can’t decide which one we’re leaning towards. The man also wants an iPad after seeing me play with mine but who knows. Onno and I decided from the get-go that my first salary is going to be us just spoiling ourselves with all the extra goodies we really want but don’t have the extra money for and then moving forward it all goes straight to a savings account. We really need to recover from the 1000 euros car breakdown (it still hurts) and I want to save up to go on a holiday. My dad is also considering coming up to the Netherlands for his 60th instead of me going down and throwing him a big party in South Africa. We’re planning a big European tour and I need money lol. So, to make a long story short, my first paycheck is all about buying shit that we can’t just buy for shit and giggles. Even the animals are getting nice treats. Dankie is getting a new collar (body harness) and steak (or bone). Speculoos is getting fish. The kittens are getting fixed and I will get them treats too. AND then finally, I’m getting my driver’s license or at least starting the process. I might be overspending my first paycheck but we will see what happens.

I must admit, I’m loving getting all these new goodies. It feels nice. That’s about it folks. My wrist hurt (still adjusting to the new job) and I’m tired. I sound ancient.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: I’m sorry for being late again. I’m having a hard time balancing everything. Work has been intense. I don’t feel comfortable sharing what those intense things are so publically because I feel it’s disrespectful but let’s just say I work at a nursery home and I have a weak spot for old people.

PSS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.

Mental Health

Day 11/25: I Got Lost In Nature | Mojo Magic

Getting lost in nature is now an inside joke between my husband and I. For us, it’s just a longer than usual walk with the dog. It’s nothing profound. Although when things are a bit crazy in life, taking a moment for yourself and just being in your own thoughts outside can do wonderful things, but let’s be honest. It’s not all that wonderful sometimes. Here, it was hot as balls so even when we only ‘got lost in nature’ at night when it was cooler, the air was still stuffy and I felt iffy with a layer of sweat on my body. I guess it’s all sunshine and rainbows in fantasy land and then you get outside and you almost step in dog shit and after walking on the little beach you have stones in your shoe. Plus the field is slightly overgrown with Nettle bushes (almost like poison ivy I guess) on the edge of the pathway so you can’t really relax because you might accidentally brush up against one of them. I don’t really know what else to say. It wasn’t perfect but I still had an acceptable time. I took a lot of pictures and some of them came out really nice so that was nice? I’m sorry if this is coming off negative but there really isn’t much else I can say. It’s not like I came to a profound realization or anything like that. Onno and I just took the dog for a walk like we always do, took a little detour and just talked for two hours. It was a nice bonding moment but other than that, it was okay? Anyway, here are some of the photos I took on our two-hour-long walk.

I LOVE how these two came out. I don’t know which one I like more. Which one do you prefer?

I’m sorry this isn’t some uplifting message but I keep it real on here. I’m not going to come up here and spit out some life quotes and tell you that suddenly my whole world is different because I walked around in the field for two hours. It was nice to get outside and get some fresh air but I’m still the same person I was when I left the house. It was a good escape from the chaos that can be my life so I guess that’s the point? I don’t know buddy, I walk the dog almost daily so it’s not that much of a big deal? I do want to add that ‘getting outside and getting some fresh air’ has helped me many times on my darker days. It’s a good habit to have but if it’s already a habit it’s not that much of a big deal, I guess? It’s not like I sit on the bench and ponder about life on these walks either. I just walk the dog and sometimes I think about stuff I still need to do after I’m back from my walk and other times I don’t think about anything special.

I guess that’s about it? There isn’t much else I can say at this point. Before I leave, I just want to quickly pop in and say sorry that this blog is a few days late. It was hot as balls over here and I was adjusting to the new job (more on that later) all the while running on maybe three hours of sleep multiple days in a row. I’m also having a really hard time with the early mornings again. No one wants to wake up at 5:30am after maybe sleeping three hours. Also, working with my constant nauseous thing is as horrible as it sounds. I hate that I now have life hacks to combat that nauseous feeling in day to day life. Mints (Chewing on gum isn’t exactly professional) and drinking cold water has helped. I also wet my face every hour or so (mostly for the heat but it helps with nausea).

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.