#pcos, Body Love, Mental Health, Self Love

So, I’m Bigger Now. Does It Matter? | Weight Gain & PCOS

I’ve talked about my weight gain and my reaction to my now bigger body before, but just a few short minutes ago while I was talking to my husband, I had that oh so famously Ah-Ha moment, and I want to share this with you.

The conversation came up when I was telling my husband how I’m scared to see people from my life that was there to witness my “skinnier” and “fitter” days. I’m scared to hear what they’re going to say. I’m scared that one of the first words out of their mouths is going to be: “Boy, you really let yourself go.” or “You are so much bigger since the last time I saw you.”. All my life, I’ve never been skinny enough. I couldn’t wear this or that because I had a slight pooch. What are they going to say now when my slight pooch has turned into a lot of love in the trunk. I caught myself trying to explain that I have little control over my weight gain. It’s a health thing. It’s hormonal. I’m doing everything in my power to be healthy and 80% of the time I am, but my body is working against me. It doesn’t matter that I’m beyond active, that I don’t drink or smoke and barely consume junk food. Heck, I barely eat candy anymore. That doesn’t matter, because I’m a big girl now. I’m fat. As I was trying to explain or make excuses for my new body, anger started to boil deep inside my gut. Why the fuck am I connecting my worth as a person to my weight? Why the fuck does it matter? I’m sick of tired of feeling like I can’t wear skin-tight clothes or anything that shows my ‘fat’ because it doesn’t suit my body type anymore. I’m sick and tired of feeling that I need to hide my body. I’m sick and tired of beating myself up or hating what I see in the mirror. I have said all of this before. I’ve tried countless thing to accept my body and love my extra love in the trunk, but you know what, it was a lot easier to sing that tune when I was skinnier. Now, when I’m noticeably bigger (30kg heavier), it’s really fucking difficult, and it shouldn’t have to be. It’s really fucking sad because even when I had those abs when I flexed, I still didn’t like what I saw. I still didn’t wear those skin-tight clothes or showed off my body with confidence. I still felt ugly. It just doesn’t matter. I’m not going to be remembered for my body when I die. It’s not going to matter if I was short, tall, skinny or fat, heck let’s throw in yellow- or purple-skinned. My outer appearance is going to mean jack shit when I’m dead. It’s what is on the inside that matters. That’s what you should care about. And more importantly, that’s what I should care about.

It’s funny. I’ve never (Well, if we want to get technical I have for a few seconds but that was more a reflection of my own demons than about that girls’s actual body.) looked at anyone and judged them for their outer appearance, but why am I doing it to the person I’m supposed to love most in this world, me? I still have a long way to go, and I’m going to start challenging myself when it comes to accepting my body as is. I wasn’t put on this green and blue earth to constantly deprive myself of pleasantries, starve myself, and wish my body was different. I was put on this earth to be me. So, when anyone brings up my bigger body or my weight gain, I’m not going to go in attack mode or try to explain myself. Instead, I will ask: “Does it matter?” and if they say “yes” then that tells you more about them than anything else. You’re so much more than your outer shell.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Love, Cassy xxx

Mental Health

Day 13/25: I Worked Out | Mojo Magic

A miracle happened guys. I actually did a workout. Gasp. I restarted my fitness journey on the 1st of August and so far things have been very promising. The first day was pretty damn intense but it feels good to be active again.

I’m not going to stretch this one out mainly because I’m beyond exhausted and there is only so much I can say about completing my first workout in a few months. I will try to be better with these blogs.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.

Mental Health

Day 12/25: I Spoiled Myself With New Fun Goodies | Mojo Magic

I don’t want to be one of those bitches that’s like I never buy anything for myself but I kind of am? Like don’t get me wrong every few weeks I will buy a nail polish bottle but that’s about it. Okay, I sometimes buy funky cups. I should share my cup collection. I have a problem. Does buying candy count as spoiling yourself? It’s not like I buy clothes for myself either. I buy clothes when my old clothes don’t fit me anymore. Anyway, a lackluster introduction aside, I spoiled myself. It had little to do with the fact that it was apart of the project. I’ve been saving up to purchase these products for a while now.

I’ve been dying to start digital art for actual years now. It started when I discovered Anime (one of my best friends recommended Naruto and I haven’t looked back since) but it was only when my friend got a drawing tablet and started to draw digitally that I wanted one too (same friend). It just looked so much fun. Now, 8 years later, I have a tablet. After doing a lot of research, I settled on purchasing an iPad, because I can get more use out of it than just a drawing tablet. The next thing on my list was a new fitness watch. For maybe a year I had a FitBit charge that I had to send back. The strap broke and instead of buying a new one (I got fully refunded), we put that money towards my computer. Saying that I still wanted a new FitBit. It gives me a little push when it comes to my physical health. Which I need. So, I asked around and did my research and settled on the FitBit Versa.

So, that’s the two things I bought to spoil myself. I paid for it with my tax payout. I’m actually looking forward to my first paycheck. I want to spoil my husband. I’m going to take him out to that nice restaurant I love so much (all gluten-free), buy him a new fancy shirt (Onno has expensive taste) and a fitness watch or a fancy coffee machine. We can’t decide which one we’re leaning towards. The man also wants an iPad after seeing me play with mine but who knows. Onno and I decided from the get-go that my first salary is going to be us just spoiling ourselves with all the extra goodies we really want but don’t have the extra money for and then moving forward it all goes straight to a savings account. We really need to recover from the 1000 euros car breakdown (it still hurts) and I want to save up to go on a holiday. My dad is also considering coming up to the Netherlands for his 60th instead of me going down and throwing him a big party in South Africa. We’re planning a big European tour and I need money lol. So, to make a long story short, my first paycheck is all about buying shit that we can’t just buy for shit and giggles. Even the animals are getting nice treats. Dankie is getting a new collar (body harness) and steak (or bone). Speculoos is getting fish. The kittens are getting fixed and I will get them treats too. AND then finally, I’m getting my driver’s license or at least starting the process. I might be overspending my first paycheck but we will see what happens.

I must admit, I’m loving getting all these new goodies. It feels nice. That’s about it folks. My wrist hurt (still adjusting to the new job) and I’m tired. I sound ancient.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: I’m sorry for being late again. I’m having a hard time balancing everything. Work has been intense. I don’t feel comfortable sharing what those intense things are so publically because I feel it’s disrespectful but let’s just say I work at a nursery home and I have a weak spot for old people.

PSS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.

Mental Health

Day 11/25: I Got Lost In Nature | Mojo Magic

Getting lost in nature is now an inside joke between my husband and I. For us, it’s just a longer than usual walk with the dog. It’s nothing profound. Although when things are a bit crazy in life, taking a moment for yourself and just being in your own thoughts outside can do wonderful things, but let’s be honest. It’s not all that wonderful sometimes. Here, it was hot as balls so even when we only ‘got lost in nature’ at night when it was cooler, the air was still stuffy and I felt iffy with a layer of sweat on my body. I guess it’s all sunshine and rainbows in fantasy land and then you get outside and you almost step in dog shit and after walking on the little beach you have stones in your shoe. Plus the field is slightly overgrown with Nettle bushes (almost like poison ivy I guess) on the edge of the pathway so you can’t really relax because you might accidentally brush up against one of them. I don’t really know what else to say. It wasn’t perfect but I still had an acceptable time. I took a lot of pictures and some of them came out really nice so that was nice? I’m sorry if this is coming off negative but there really isn’t much else I can say. It’s not like I came to a profound realization or anything like that. Onno and I just took the dog for a walk like we always do, took a little detour and just talked for two hours. It was a nice bonding moment but other than that, it was okay? Anyway, here are some of the photos I took on our two-hour-long walk.

I LOVE how these two came out. I don’t know which one I like more. Which one do you prefer?

I’m sorry this isn’t some uplifting message but I keep it real on here. I’m not going to come up here and spit out some life quotes and tell you that suddenly my whole world is different because I walked around in the field for two hours. It was nice to get outside and get some fresh air but I’m still the same person I was when I left the house. It was a good escape from the chaos that can be my life so I guess that’s the point? I don’t know buddy, I walk the dog almost daily so it’s not that much of a big deal? I do want to add that ‘getting outside and getting some fresh air’ has helped me many times on my darker days. It’s a good habit to have but if it’s already a habit it’s not that much of a big deal, I guess? It’s not like I sit on the bench and ponder about life on these walks either. I just walk the dog and sometimes I think about stuff I still need to do after I’m back from my walk and other times I don’t think about anything special.

I guess that’s about it? There isn’t much else I can say at this point. Before I leave, I just want to quickly pop in and say sorry that this blog is a few days late. It was hot as balls over here and I was adjusting to the new job (more on that later) all the while running on maybe three hours of sleep multiple days in a row. I’m also having a really hard time with the early mornings again. No one wants to wake up at 5:30am after maybe sleeping three hours. Also, working with my constant nauseous thing is as horrible as it sounds. I hate that I now have life hacks to combat that nauseous feeling in day to day life. Mints (Chewing on gum isn’t exactly professional) and drinking cold water has helped. I also wet my face every hour or so (mostly for the heat but it helps with nausea).

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.

Mental Health

Day 10/25: I Watched The Spanish Movie Roma | Mojo Magic

I love foreign movies because not only are you forced to just focus on the movie and nothing else, you learn more about a new culture. I’ve always felt that this is incredibly important. We need to broaden our worlds and learn new things. I specifically didn’t want to watch a Korean, Japenese or Chinese movie for this project as I quite regularly watch movies or series in those languages. My first thought was a Spanish movie. I’ve always loved the language but haven’t really explored much of the culture so well I was a blank space. The first thing I did when I decided to watch a Spanish movie is Google what Netflix had for me. Roma was the first movie that popped up. Before this, I’ve seen it on my Netflix home page under new releases but other than that I didn’t know much.

I started the movie a bit confused and uncertain what to expect but boy did the story intrigue me. I don’t think I’ve ever watched a movie quite like it. I don’t think I’ve ever watched a black and white movie either but damn, it’s brilliant. I don’t really want to go into too much detail and spoil the movie for others but yeah, if you have 2 hours or so to spare, you should definitely consider watching the movie. I’m sorry if this blog is sounding lackluster. It’s 38C and I’m running on two hours of sleep. There is so much more I want to say but my brain stopped working at 4am when I woke up soaked in sweat with a swarm of nerves turning my stomach in a knot as I stressed about my first day at my new job. Luckily, a review on IMDb summed up everything.

Already Want to See It Again by evanston_dad

I already want to see “Roma” again. It took me a good while to settle into the rhythms of Alfonso Cuaron’s critically acclaimed new film, and by the time I did I wanted to go back and start it over to see what I might have missed. A lot comes at the viewer in “Roma,” and it’s hard to take it all in on a first viewing. No…that’s the wrong way to put it. Nothing comes at you — you have to go after it. That’s what makes “Roma” unique. Cuaron crams his frame in any given scene with tons of movement and sound, but he shoots almost everything in medium and long shots and chooses to pan his camera rather than insert a lot of edits. The result is you have to decide what you want to look at, and while the main protagonist is in virtually every scene, she’s not always necessarily the focal point. That protagonist, by the way, is Cleo, maid to a wealthy family and played in a quiet and quietly devastating performance by Yalitza Aparicio. “Roma” is an episodic assemblage of scenes that shows what life is like for Cleo, without big showy emotional moments or much editorializing. She’s treated fairly well by the family she works for, but make no mistake — they rarely let her forget she’s their employee. The film is a lot about privilege. The family treats Cleo as one of their own when they feel like it or when it’s convenient to, but don’t when it’s not. She’s part of their most intimate moments and they her’s, but she’ll never really be one of them. She has much to take care of, but nothing of her own to really care for. And there’s a big wide world out there, the movie makes clear, that will never include people like Cleo. For a while I was a little disappointed that I wasn’t feeling “Roma” as much as I wanted to and as much as rapturous reviews led me to believe I would. I was engaged by it, but I didn’t feel heavily involved emotionally. But then pretty far into the movie something happens to Cleo, and in that moment I realized how invested I was in how things turned out for her. “Roma” sneaks up on you in that way. Grade: A

I do want to add that I enjoyed the movie and it wasn’t quite like something I’ve watched before, but there were a few things I didn’t like much less love. I was confused and sometimes borderlining on bored for some parts of the movie, but at the same time, I still got emotionally invested in the movie. It took some time to pull me in though or to pull any emotion out of me. I honestly don’t know what I feel at this point. I’m okay with it. I would encourage others to watch it if they have the time and they feel like watching different but I wouldn’t neccerssaily watch it again? I only truly connected to the movie after I realized the movie ended (I was so confused) and started to look into it more. The story behind it is what pulled the most emotion out of me minus the massive moment in Cloe’s life that made me sob like a little bitch. Those types of things shouldn’t be sprung onto you.

Anyway, before I wave my goodbye here is two other foreign (at least to me) series that I just adore.

Terrace House

Terrace House is a Japanese reality TV show.

Reality at its Best!!!!!!!!!  by ecllc02

Terrance House is addictive to say the least. This is truly Reality at its best. Place 6 total strangers in a home and allow their common or not so common personalities to emerge over time. What’s most interesting is the fact that most enter the home with a certain objective in bettering themselves in one way or another. Whether it be a desire to become less shy, create new friendships or even seeking a dating relationship. Since there are no scripts many times such objectives are not so easily accomplished and can be rather rough, which makes it all the more exciting. As each episode slowly evolves you may find yourself, “Being in the shoes,” of one of the occupants which could have the same similarities as yourself. Eventually the show concludes when all have felt their objectives have been met through normal day-to-day activities. For those whom have not met their objectives the pressure can get tough in which they are must make a decision to stay on the show or simply leave. For the individuals that have created an outstanding friendship with others this can be some what of a tear jerk-er for the departing individual or yourself as well. To add a little spice to the show there are normally 2 intermissions which involves the hosts and hostesses that narrate the show in the beginning providing a brief summary to the past episode and again near the end of the episode. Truthfully the intermission is somewhat of a breather and allows each to provide their input to what they believe is happening or going to happen. I actually Love it because its funny, outgoing and has great perspectives from different age groups. What’s even more great about the break is that there is no holding back. Each host or hostess says what they truly feel and is on their mind about the episode. There are instances where I simply could not stop laughing, especially since one host is a sort of comedian. His look and reactions are totally, one-of-a-kind but so true in wisdom from his standpoint. Granted not all will enjoy this sort of reality show but in my opinion its true reality and that’s what is addictive to me. Reality to the core and Reality at its Best.

I decided to add the review above as I felt the summary on IMDb didn’t do the show justice. Okay, so the reason why I enjoy this series is that I get to see the ‘real’ aspect of one of my favorite places in the world; Japan. I’m also obsessed with Japanese food and I’ve been playing around with their flavor pallete. It’s so much fun.

Meteor Garden

Meteor Garden is a Chinese series that’s sometimes a bit cringy and a tiny bit ‘unrealistic’ and ‘overdramatic’ but damn I love it. I watch it every now and again and it just makes me so happy.

Here is a summary of the series: Shan Cai is an 18-year-old girl from a family that’s barely able to make ends meet. Due to a turn of events, she gets accepted into a school that only accepts the upper class elites. She immediately clashes with her classmates especially Dao Ming Si who is spoiled, arrogant and a bully. She remains defiant even after becoming a target of a series of pranks intended to torment her and just when she’s about to give up, Hua Ze Lei always seems to show up to lend her a helping hand. Eventually, the four boys begin to acknowledge Shan Cai’s unyielding personality that is like her namesake which is that of a weed that can never be brought down. She also begins to see the good in the boys, which paves the way for friendship and an eventual romance. Written by mydramalist.com

For shit and giggles: My top three Afrikaans movies (I’m not up to date with new releases though) is Bakgat, Semi Soet and Pad na jou Hart.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.