All Of My Chaotic Thoughts, PreTeen Cassy

Let’s Catch Up | Life Update and My Goals For 2020

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve sat down and just given you a mini life update. Well, this time around, it definitely won’t be a mini update. It’s going to be a long one, I can just tell. Onno just brought up a cup of tea, my feet are nice and toasty and I’m comfortable. I’m ready to write a fucking essay. I have a lot to update you on and I have some super life-changing plans for 2020…so yeah. Buckle up, get comfortable and enjoy the ride.

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life update

New Hairdo

Where to start…Oh, I know. So, I shaved my head three months ago? Somewhere near the end of September. I still don’t really have much to say about it though. I kept waiting for that: “Oh shit, I shaved off all of my hair. Fuck yes, roar! I’m a fierce woman” moment. It just doesn’t seem like a big deal? I cared more about it before the act itself. The decision to shave my head wasn’t impulsive at all. It was a few months in the making but the act itself was just let’s get down to business. Let’s first talk about the why though. Why did I shave my head? Before I continue, I just want to stress that I didn’t have a mental breakdown and decided to shave my head at the crack side of dawn, sobbing while drinking my heart out. I love how I need to clarify this because honestly how life has been going for me, it would make sense. But no, I was clear-minded and had thought about it for quite some time. Okay, now why did I shave my head? It’s quite simple really. I wanted to. Yes, that’s it. I guess if I try, I can find some profound deeper meaning to it but there isn’t one. I wanted a new start. My hair has gone through quite a ringer over the years and I was sick and tired of the damage. So, I shaved it off and made myself a promise to never dye it again. From now on, it’s all me. I’m not going to dye away my greys. Fuck it all. What you see is what you’re going to get.

Saying all that, I really hated the freshly shaved head for the first two weeks. It felt really gross and it didn’t really help with the low self-esteem I have going on. I did hit a sweet spot where I really loved it for about a week and a half…but then it started to grow out and really test my confidence levels. Now, I’m just numb to it. I don’t like the super short hair on me. I can’t wait for it to grow out. I don’t regret it though. It was something I needed to do, that I believe with everything inside of me. I don’t know the why coupled to that deeper meaning now, but maybe I will just get it one day. I do believe that I can’t get lower than this. My confidence and self-esteem are the lowest they can be. It can only go up from here. I guess that’s the deeper meaning? I had to dive all the way to bottom so now I can build myself up? Oh, I like that.

New fur babies

Somewhere in June/July, we got two new fur babies. The demons. Their human name is the kittens but that’s being generous. All jokes aside, I was really struggling this year (2019) with the whole infertility and trying to conceive journey…We’ve been on a break for most of this year and…I just needed something to mother. I needed something to fill a bit of that emptiness I carry around inside of me. I’m a childless mother. I’ve been ready to be a mom the second we decided we wanted to start a family and it’s just been a torturous wait. Anyway, after going back and forth between either getting bunny rabbits or another cat, we committed to another cat. Notice the single verb use. Another cat. But you’ve already seen the pictures and the start of this paragraph, so you know there’s a plural. We really went into this with the idea of getting only one cat, but then we saw the twins together and I couldn’t find it in myself to separate the two. They were all over each other since birth and I’m not a monster…We walked away with the kittens without much thought. Let’s just say it’s been challenging and there is a very good reason why we call them the demons. We’re hopeful things will turn around once they’re sterilized and can burn their access energy by terrorizing the neighborhood.

Their cat names are Suiker and Bekkie. They’re our little girls. Suikerbekkie is one of my favorite affection terms in Afrikaans. Some guys would call their girlfriend this, especially if that said girlfriend loves sweets. It’s also a bird. We never call them by their cat name though. It’s either the kittens or the demons.

The Hermit Life

As of December 2019, I no longer have any social media presence. If you don’t count my website. It was something I needed to do. Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook were just too toxic for me. The 1% of positivity about these accounts couldn’t justify the 99% of negativity. I asked myself a very simple question. If my best friend was in a relationship with those same percentages, what would I tell her? I would tell her to dump that abusive prick. She deserves more. She doesn’t need that toxicity and negativity. This line of thought quickly shot out more questions and it became incredibly clear on what I needed to do. I’ve said this all before. I’ve gone offline, deleted some of my social media accounts but I still clung on. I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t delete or completely remove myself from that abusive relationship. I needed a push and I got it in the most horrible way. I won’t go into detail – otherwise, this blog will get ridiculously long – but it needed to happen. It was horrible and I cried myself to sleep, but the very next day, I deleted all of my accounts. It was final. I wasn’t going to half-ass this by keeping my personal Facebook or keeping the fur babies’ Instagram account. No, this time it was for real. I also really loved the idea of no longer having such a big social media presence. I see how happy my husband is with his barely any social media presence and I wanted that for myself. I also could do without that pressure, blows to my confidence and just overall toxic environment. Limiting your online presence is today’s version of living in the middle of nowhere…and I can’t tell you how attractive that sounds to me. Plus, as a special bonus, I can no longer get freaked out by those how the fuck did you know that ads, so that’s awesome.

I considered deleting my website as well, but I’ve put in way too much work to just delete it. I also knew that I would come to regret this so I tried to come up with a solution that allowed me that breathing room, that balance, and that limited social media presence. Luckily after marinating on this for a week, I came up with a super simple solution. Breaks. Frequent breaks.

Back on the baby wagon

This year was brutal for our infertility and trying to conceive journey. I won’t go into detail now – I might write a blog about it soon, who knows – but we’re finally off that break. We’re finally getting the support from our doctors and things are happening. I truly feel that it will happen soon for us. I lost that feeling very early on in this journey. I can’t tell you how great it feels to have that hope again.

And finally, possibly the biggest life update…

I’m going to study, baby

It’s a long story but the short version is, after seeing the nurses in action while working, it became clear that this is it. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to be a nurse. It caught me off guard and I mulled over this for months, but I know this is my calling. In September 2020, I will start my studies. It’s pretty set in stone so yeah, you’re looking at a nurse in the making. It’s going to be a long journey though. 6-7 years before I specialize in the field that has peaked my interest. I’m so incredibly excited and I will definitely write my fair share of blogs on the process. The idea of studying in a ‘foreign’ country in my third language scares the shit out of me, but I found it. After years, I finally found that career.

I learned very quickly that turning writing into my full-time job sucks that joy and passion out of me. Writing is still my passion, but I need something fulfilling outside of it. Nursing is going to be that for me.

Yeah, those are some big life updates…but let’s talk about my plans for the year.

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plans for the year

I have quite big personal plans and goals for this year…and it should be do-able. I mean, it’s not too much. I was careful not to set super unrealistic goals like I have done in the past…It helps that some of the things on this list are already being set in motion so the only thing left is to show up and follow through.

Publish another eBook

The goal has always been to publish more books here on my website and I’ve made plans to make this goal actually possible in the new year. Not only do I have every intention to have at least one rough first draft go up in Writing Corner this year, but I also want to work on Chocolate Chip Cookies And Pink Nails. Hopefully, I can have the final version go up as an eBook by the end of 2020. Regardless, I will publish another eBook somewhere in 2020. I can’t wait.

Launch one of my projects I’ve been working on

I’ve been working on three projects here and there most of 2019 and boy am I eager to get them off my chest. One of these projects is basically ready but I want to sit on it for a bit longer before I launch it. I want to make sure this new update schedule is working before I add another thing to my plate. Hopefully, I can launch this project somewhere in April, but I will let you know when it’s finally time.

Focus on my general health

I can’t tell you how important this one is for me. It’s not as if my health has been on the back burner in 2019, but it wasn’t my priority. I was just trying to survive the year. That’s going to change. I want to thrive again. I’m going to deep dive and really commit to figuring out this whole PCOS gift. I’ve come up with a game plan that targets the diet and the exercise aspect that might work. I’m starting tomorrow (30th of December). I’m not sure how much I will share on here as I’m going through it but I’m eager to see how it will work out.

Go on a nice holiday

Onno and I haven’t gone away to somewhere nice in a long time. Our last really nice trip together was Greece when he asked me to marry him. Yeah, it’s been a hot minute. We’re either going to a Caribbean island or a cabin in the middle of a snow paradise. Both works for me. I really can’t wait.

Tick five things off my bucket list

I love the fact that I already have a bucket list but it’s not something that’s at the forefront of my mind. I just want to make a habit of revisiting this list every blue moon and committing to ticking one thing off. That’s it.

Infertility treatment…and hopefully get pregnant.

We went back to our doctor in December and made a 6-month plan – everything is a 6-month plan with me – and things are finally happening in the direction we needed it to go, a year ago. I really hope this year is our year.

Focus on my mental health more

I’m tired of just trying to survive, I want to thrive. I don’t have this part figured out yet, but I want to focus on my mental health. I’m not sure how this will look for me, but it’s on my list. Maybe a daily 5-minute journal or regular meditation? I need to sit on this for a bit longer and come up with a game plan that will work for me. I think to start off with, I will commit to both of them. I will try out one for a month and if I see it doesn’t work for me, I will try out the other one. If that still doesn’t hit the sweet spot, I will turn towards the internet and see what I can find. It could also be reading one ‘self-help’ book that focuses on mental health and self-improvement a month. I don’t know yet.

Improve my art skills

Somewhere in July, I splurged and bought an iPad with the idea to teach myself to draw digitally. This has been a super fun process but I have a lot to learn. Aside from digital art, I want to play around with paint as well. I want to embrace that part of me and play around with art. It’s mainly going to be for the fun of it, but I do want to learn a few skills when it comes to art. Nothing big, just small things.

Complete one course every three months

I’m beyond eager to learn more and more. It’s what excites me. It keeps me motivated. It makes my brain happy. It’s also going to make the worlds of difference by the time I’m ready to work in my desired specialized field. This goal led to me returning my attention to edX and the courses they offer. It made me so incredibly excited to see just how many courses they have that connects to the health industry. I think it’s an incredibly realistic goal to complete one course every three months but we will have to see how the cookie crumbles once all the other goals come into play.

Complete four experiments

I love experimenting with different things. I love trying out new things. I have a few experiments – some health and fitness-related – on my list. Most of these experiments require a month (minimum) of commitment so I’m not sure how realistic this goal is if you add everything together.

~*~

I’m sounding like a broken record, but I’m just ready to switch gears and get back some control over my life again. I don’t want to sit back and just accept things as they come anymore. I want to step forward and see a change. I don’t want to just survive anymore. I want to thrive. I’m ready to fight that fight again.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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