My Struggles With Infertility

My Struggles With Infertility | Infertility Diagnosis: PCOS | Part 3/5

In the last part, we went back in time and read a journal entry of a version of Cassandra that had no idea what was going to happen or how gut-wrenching this journey was going to become. This part isn’t much better.

January 2018

I entered the year with the idea that it was going to be the year that I got pregnant. That no matter what, when we hit that one-year mark there was going to be three options 1) I have my baby in my arms, 2) I’m pregnant or 3) I’m ovulating and get pregnant on the one-year mark. I felt so giddy at the start of the year. I kept wanting to shout on the rooftops, I’m going to have a baby! 2018 is going to be the year I become a mom. I told exactly two people around this time. My best friend in the entire world who was absolutely over the moon for us and my old best friend from Highschool. Her response was less positive. It inspired me to write this ‘blog’ read rant back then.

Rant inspired by my old friend’s response to my husband and I trying to conceive. Written just after New Years.

When Onno and I decided we were ready to start a family, right of the bat we said we will keep this information to ourselves. I, however, couldn’t help myself and told my best friend who was absolutely elated by the news. Later I told my old high school best friend and her response was quite interesting. I also knew that her response would be something I most likely will face quite often once we announce the news with the baby on board.

But you’re so young.

What about your studies?

Don’t you think you’re making a mistake?

My question is… Why should I have to explain myself to anyone? Why do I have to defend my decision? At first, I started to explain where I was coming from, what was going through my head and why we decided now was the time. I really did. I was laying it all out. Really just trying to defend my decision and really show that it wasn’t a decision that was made lightly. I know for a fact that having a baby is anything but easy. Raising another human with their own personality and tendencies from a baby to be a decent adult is anything but an easy task. I know this. I also know that having a baby doesn’t look anything like it does in the movies. It won’t be easy. I went on really trying to explain why I wanted to be a mom and how long I’ve wanted this. It was really just a full-blown paragraph of me trying to convince someone else that I was ready and I will be a great mom. The second that thought occurred to me I got so angry.

Again. Why should I have to explain myself to anyone? Why do I have to defend my decision? I don’t have to convince anyone that I’m ready or I will be a good mom. People no matter what will always have their own opinions about certain things. Some people just tend to express their own personal opinions when it’s not necessarily invited. You can shove that opinion right up where the sun doesn’t shine.

BECAUSE I know I’m young.

BECAUSE I know that my studies will be affected by this. Heck, I had to make a lot of hard choices when we made this decision. (This was before I decided not to study and instead pursue my passion to become an author.)

BECAUSE I know the old-fashioned way of thinking won’t agree with my choice.

BUT I know I will be a great mom

AND their thoughts on how I should live my life can just stay right there, in their little fantasy world.

As you can tell not just by that little snippet but also the first part of this series, I’m incredibly sensitive about the subject. I’m hoping by writing this series that I will gain a new perspective of things and hopefully be less sensitive about the subject. I can’t go in attack mode every time someone shares their opinion. Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion. My friendship with this old high school best friend has never been the same since that conversation. I realized that she wasn’t going to support me in this and that’s okay. Some friends aren’t meant to be with you for your entire life. That’s another blog for another day. This incident happened on New Years and a few days went by when my brain started to be a complete asshole. This happened a lot over the course of my trying to conceive journey but this time around, I recorded what was going through my head at the time. Yes, the second and last journal entry.

3rd of January 2018

What a week it’s been. My body has been giving me so many signs that can be interpreted as being pregnant but my brain tells me it’s not possible. I’m second guessing everything. Was my two-week early period the implantation bleeding you get? Because it was a hell of a lot shorter and the quantity of the blood was nothing compared to my normal period. Implantation bleeding according to the internet takes place 6-12 days after conception takes place. But then I do the math. Just two weeks prior I finished my real and normal period. So, my brain tells me it’s impossible. Give up hope. My body, however, is just throwing me for a loop.

I’ve had nipple tenderness. The second the shower touched my nipples I wanted to cry. Overall boob tenderness but mostly just the nipple. It feels like its burning and then it’s itchy. Is it a pregnancy symptom?

The nausea oh boy the nausea. I feel sick to my stomach. I wake up nauseous. Or I start a normal day and then suddenly I’m nauseous. Then a few moments later it’s gone. Is it morning sickness?

I’m so freaking tired. My body aches everywhere. I just want to sleep. Is it a pregnancy symptom?

My brain is telling me that I’m just sick. I just have the flu. It’s nothing. The random short period was…I don’t know. I can have a hormone imbalance. I have been breaking out a lot these last four months. Although my period has been normal. I don’t really know what to feel or what to think. I really want to take a pregnancy test but at the same time, I don’t. I don’t want to feel that disappointment that is bound to come. I don’t want to stare down that test and see a negative. I know it’s not possible but if I take a test…it’s just going to be a rollercoaster ride that can be avoided. We’re going to try this month again anyway. I’m ovulating on my birthday and my period should only arrive at the end of the month. Which means we have the entire month of January to try. Early February I can take the test. This flu will pass and I will get to experience the real thing…that two week wait period I so desperately need. That hope.

I’m in just in this state of what if? What if the impossible happened and I’m pregnant NOW? The suspense is driving me insane. I might just give in and take the test. The good thing is the steps you need to take before the test. It needs to be your first pee of the day and no fluids prior to taking the test. You also can’t drink any alcohol the night before but it’s not like I’m drinking any in the fear that I might be pregnant. That and I’m not a big drinker. I just tell myself if I just ignore the temptation before the first pee then I can’t take the test today. That means it’s just another day. Another day for my flu to runs its course. In a few days, I will be good as new and it will be clear it was a false alarm. It’s nothing really. Right?  

I got really emotional when I read that entry. I so desperately wanted to be pregnant but a part of me knew that I wasn’t and I wanted to protect myself from the hurt that I was bound to experience. I would constantly debate with that hopeful slightly in denial part of my brain. I would get a cramp and my brain would scream: You’re pregnant!!! THIS HAPPENED/STILL HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE MONTH. But I’m slightly getting ahead of myself. The moment that blew me off my feet was just around the corner.

I realize that I need to take a moment to summarize a few things because it’s been a lot of words and feelings but no real explanation. When we decided we’re going to start trying it was a few days before Christmas. My period tracker shared that my ovulation day is on the 24th. On the 29th my period started. I realized immediately that I wasn’t pregnant and that something was wrong. My period was two weeks early and the period itself was different. It lasted three days and switched between spotting to a heavy flow. Once it cleared up and time went by, I started to convince myself that the weird period could be implantation bleeding. Looking back now, the math doesn’t make sense but the brain is an interesting thing. Originally, I could start testing on the 6th of January as my period was supposed to start on the 9th. Those days came, I tested and they went. Nothing. It was a negative test but I didn’t have my period. As time went by, I started to calculate those three-four weird period days as my period and did the math to see when I was ovulating again. I had accepted that our first month was a dud. Again, I felt like the universe was speaking to me as my ovulation day was on my birthday. Instead, my period started and it was another strange one. It broke my heart. I cried for days because this made me realize that something was wrong and that I needed to get it checked out. It was that moment on my 22nd birthday that I realized just how hard this journey was going to be. I was terrified. On the 31st of January, I was diagnosed with PCOS.

I’m going to round this blog off here. It’s a lot to process and so much has been said in these last few parts. I’m writing them in one go and I’m feeling very overwhelmed. Editing these blogs are going to be so much fun. (Future Cassy: It was a mess to edit in case you’re wondering.)

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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Here are some technical details of December and January for those ladies who are trying. My cycles are usually 35 days and has been so for months. My period started on the 9th of December and lasted until the 13th. My period would usually be 4-5 days. According to my period tracker (back then I used a random one, I use Ovia now) my ovulation was on the 24th of December. However my cycle was only 19 days as I had my first short period. With the period starting on the 28th of December and lasting until the 31st of December. My period tracker worked out that I would have my ovulation middle January but there was no ovulation as my period started on cycle day 22, the 18th of January and lasted four days. My next cycle was very late but that’s for the next blog. The gynecologist that diagnosed me with PCOS said that I haven’t ovulated in December and January and my periods were way too short.

 

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