Mental Health, Review

I Watched 13 Reasons Why And It Kind Of Triggered Me | Series Review | Mental Health

Okay, the moment I thought wouldn’t arrive until much later but here we are, about to watch the first episode of 13 Reasons Why. I mentioned before that suicide is a sensitive subject for me and that I didn’t jump on the 13 Reasons Why wagon when it came out because I feared what emotions and thoughts it will bring up. I’m still not sure if I’m ready to watch this show and I’m a little scared about what emotions it will bring up but I don’t think I will ever be ready to watch it. The title itself has and still does, rub me up the wrong way. Suicide can’t possibly be explained or reasoned. It’s not that simple. There aren’t 13 reasons why someone would decide to take their life. It’s can be brought down to just a number. Now, keep in mind this is my feelings before I even watched a single minute of the show.

I decided that I’m not going to watch the entire show. I will watch one episode, make notes as I’m watching it and then leave. I won’t watch the second episode until quite a bit of time has passed. I need time to process what I just saw in a healthy manner. Okay, let’s jump in. I’m terrified about pressing play but this can be good for me.

This is my notes as I’m watching the movie:

Okay, first of all, I’m one-minute in. I truly appreciate what they have done by having the cast members talk about the premise of the show and warn those who might be triggered by the topics of the series. That’s incredibly important as if something so deep catches you off guard it can do a lot of damage. I also appreciate the fact that they know that this is a serious topic and they’re being cautious. They refer the viewer to 13ReasonsWhy.info (I will check the website out when I finish the episode) for more information. Okay, so this helped with my quite negative view on the show. I like that they did this. It tells me that their intentions are good and that they truly just want to shed light on such a serious topic and start the discussion. Okay, now let’s move on to the actual show. I will be completely honest with you…my heart is racing like crazy. Last night I dreamt about my friend who committed suicide and it’s hard. It brings up a lot of thoughts like why did I survive and he didn’t? The thing is, I know how it feels. I have quite a good idea what’s going through their mind and it’s hard to accept that others who had the same thoughts than I did aren’t alive today. They’re not here to see that things will eventually get better. Their demons won and sometimes I’m terrified that mine will win one day too. Oh wow, I didn’t expect that. Where did these thoughts come from?

Let’s press play and see what happens. I do want to add then I will pause and stop this show at any moment I feel like it’s affecting my health in a negative way.

The start of the first episode by showing Hannah’s locker and it kind of made me lose my breath. One of the things I struggle with the most is the part that comes after suicide. What happens to the family members? To the friends? To the people around you? That’s the part that hurts me so deeply. When I was in my darkest moment, hours away from swallowing those pills and ending it all…I didn’t for one moment think about what would happen after. What about my friends and family? Will my school also decorate or put a picture up? Will my peers write a letter? Will my life be mourned for a few days and then will everything continue? Like I never left. Like I never even existed in the first place. Would my existence on this earth be easily forgotten? Those thoughts never went through my head but they do now. They scare me. I like to think that I’m supposed to be here. That my voice can be heard and I can make a difference. That my existence isn’t for nothing. The daily struggle, the agony that I’ve experienced, it’s not for nothing.

It’s surprising to me that just seconds of this show can pull out thoughts and emotions that I have yet to utter. It’s unexpected. I’m feeling raw and vulnerable and I’m not sure if watching this episode by myself is a good idea. I’m keeping some distance to myself emotionally from the show or well I have a wall up so I’m feeling all of these intense thoughts, but I’m numb. I’m going to see if I’m able to watch more by myself. I might watch this with my husband just so I have that comfort of knowing that he is here. He makes me feel safe and right now, I need to feel safe. I need to know that it’s worth it.

My husband came home from work and for the last 30 minutes, we’ve been talking about what has been going through my head as I watched literally not even 2 minutes of the show and I’m feeling a lot better. Let’s press play and watch some more. Oh wow. Okay, so I’m 3 and a half minutes in and it’s hitting some interesting topic. Girls posing in front of her locker and sharing it but with no emotional attachment. The teacher is talking about the death of the student and another student asks: “if we can move on, it’s been a week.” The truth is, that’s the reality. Some won’t truly understand what it means, some are so involved with their own problems and some just don’t care. That is just the harsh reality that is life. I’m not really sure what to think or to feel if I’m honest. I’m disappointed that my predictions and fears were hit right on the nose but at the same time, I’m happy the show included that because it’s the reality. Unfortunately, not a lot of people are taking mental health seriously and hopefully, that will start to change. Talking about suicide, openly talking about your mental wellbeing can save a life. Okay, let’s continue. And two seconds in…they’re talking about knowing the signs. Are they withdrawing from friends and family? I feel like this can be damaging in its own way. Some who are depressed or have suicidal thoughts won’t have these signs. I sure as hell didn’t. You learn to put on a mask, to act normal. I feel by telling people to look out for these signs can do a lot of harm…I don’t know. I feel like this can damage those who they leave behind. Oh, I should’ve noticed the signs. Oh, how I should have helped them. But some don’t show any of the signs. I don’t know, I feel like it can do a lot of harm and should be said carefully. The next signs the teacher brings up is a bit silly to me. Are they changing their appearance? Really? I feel like this is so broad, especially with teenagers. I don’t know how I feel about this one. I definitely want to Google signs of depression and someone with suicidal thoughts when I’m done with this episode. I personally feel like there weren’t that many signs or shifts in my behavior. I literally decided that I wanted to commit suicide out of the blue, in the middle of my English class. I had every intention of swallowing those pills after I got home. Before that, I was normal with my friends. Nothing was strange about my behavior.

The first sight of the parents brought some intense emotions up. My mind is racing and I have no idea what to think and feel. I think I’m going to stop and come back to watch the rest later. It’s important for me to take the time and place my emotions before I continue watching it. I need to get my thoughts straight and process everything otherwise it might affect my mental health negatively. On the other hand, I’m at the 7 minutes mark and it has taken me down many roads so far. I’m still not sure if this will do more harm than good. On the one side it’s bringing up thoughts and feelings I didn’t know I had. Which is kind of good, I guess. It’s getting these emotions out but…on the other side, it’s a lot of intense emotions.

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A few days have passed and I’ve decided NOT to watch the rest of the episode. I’m still going to share this blog even though I only made it 7 minutes in because this is important. It’s important that I gave it a chance but decided to take a step back when it was too much. I’m not in a mental frame of mind to watch this show and I don’t know when this will change. Who knows when I will be able to watch it? Heck, I might never finish this episode and that’s okay. I still appreciate that they’re trying to open a discussion with this show but I can’t exactly tell you my opinion or experience because I barely watched the show. I don’t know. I guess only you will be able to tell if you’re in a frame of mind to watch the show and only you can press pause and stop watching the show when it’s too much. I’m not really sure what to say. This show brought up a lot of intense emotions and I need more time to process them before I can get my thoughts straight and explain what’s going through my head.

I’m going to round this blog of here. It’s an intense one and I’m emotionally exhausted. Before I do that, I’m going to check out that website that they recommend at the start of the show. Oh wow, I’m fully impressed. You can get all necessarily crisis information by whatever country you’re in. That’s really cool. They truly went the extra mile with educating others which I appreciate.

I wanted to Google signs of depression and when someone is suicidal but I’m not really in the frame of mind to do so. This entire ordeal has been incredibly intense. I’m not sure if the feelings and thoughts it brought up are good or bad. I just need some time to wrap my head around it. I definitely want to come back to this and talk more about it. Suicide is such an important and serious subject that needs to be discussed more. I truly believe it can save a life. If you’re struggling in any shape or form, I encourage you to reach out. You’re not alone in this.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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13 Reasons Why Website — https://13reasonswhy.info/

11 thoughts on “I Watched 13 Reasons Why And It Kind Of Triggered Me | Series Review | Mental Health”

  1. I honestly will never watch this show…. I was suicidal in 2014, and some times I find myself having those thoughts again but I agree with the signs. I never have the signs that they tell you to normally watch out for. I’m proud that you attempted this. I wish I could, but there are certain things that movies and TV shows are about that I will skip if they come up, or will flat out just not watch at all period. My friends were bringing this show up when it was the “big” thing and I think they realized eventually that I just won’t watch it. I wish that they spoke more about suicide and how people perceive you when you come forward.

    I went to my Dr once and confided in her that I just wasn’t feeling myself. Told her my new medication made me really doubt wanting to continue living. She called the ambulance and they transported me to the hospital.

    The ambulance ride was the most awkward ride of my life. The only conversation we had was the medic asking me if I felt “sad”. I found this extremely odd and answered no immediately and looked away.

    I thought it would get better at the hospital, but it didn’t.

    They put me in the hallway so I was in the way of everyone. People would go to the desk and ask why I was in the hallway and not a room and they whispered “that’s the suicide girl” .

    I texted my ex husband after the 5th time and told him to get me out now. Explained to him what all just happened and he said he was on his way.

    They finally put me in a room that was monitored and told me that I no longer had rights to sign myself out or anything. Told me that my Dr advised against it. My ex husband signed me out and took me to spend the night on his couch. I promised myself then, if I’m ever feeling low – I’ll never tell another professional ever again.

    I never want to have that awkward conversation with the EMT, or to be whispered about by the nurses to spectators pointing to me and saying “suicide chick”.

    I’ve been awesome on my new medication and I don’t have many relapses, but I do have a great medical team and friends who are there for me. I have confidants that I can go too now when I’m feeling ultra low and if I’m saying I’m low, friends help me a ton.

    1. I’m so sorry to hear that all of this happened to you but I’m so happy to hear that you’re doing better now. A good support system is crucial. I wish you all the best and I truly appreciate your comment. May you find your happiness and never feel like you feel that day when the nurses called you suicide chick because you are so much more than that. You are you. You are special. You are here for a reason. I think people should talk about suicide more but in a healthy way…It’s something that should be discussed more. It shouldn’t be something that people belittle you for. This world makes me sad but we’re getting there.

  2. I always said to you go into the world and do good, but most importantly go into the world and BE good. You make me proud by reaching out to the WORLD and do good. Love and miss you lots.

  3. For those who don’t really have suicidal feelings, this show can be a little scary..but I saw many reviews where people who suffer from these thoughts were happy that it brings out the reality. We can learn so much from this show, like to help your close ones, before it gets too late. Nice post. Realistic review.😊

    1. I actually heard A LOT of bad things about it, especially about the second season. Now, I stopped watching this show 7 minutes in on the very first episode and I doubt I will watch the rest (I can’t handle it at the moment). Apparently, they romanticize mental illness. I think it’s a double edged sword. On the one hand they’re opening up the dialogue and bringing these subjects to light but on the other hand the information they chose to share can be misguided or do a lot of damage. The truth is, mental illness is not that simple. Every person is different. My depression is different than someone else. My signs aren’t the same. So, I don’t know. I just think that it can do a lot of harm but the intentions are good. I still don’t know how I feel about this show. I still don’t like the title lol. But I’m happy you liked my review. And I agree those who don’t struggle with these mental illnesses can watch the show and maybe learn a thing or two which would enable them to help your loved ones but you should also be cautious about how to go about it. It’s such a tricky subject.

      1. Ya I think you’re right.. different people have different reviews about it. I think Being kind is the solution.🤔You never know how much harm you’re causing to people just by their unpleasant comments or behaviour (that’s what I learned watching the show). Thanks for sharing your thoughts.😊

      2. Definitely. I think the world will be a better place if everyone can just be kind and sensitive to others. I watched this show on Netflix called After Life where the main character’s wife died and he fell into a deep depression where he considered suicide and this one woman said: You were placed on this earth to make other people happy or something along those lines. I’m butchering it. Let me Google. It’s such a good line and I think it sums up everything. “We’re not just here for us, we’re here for others. All we got is each other. We got to help each other struggle through until we die. And then we’re done. There’s no point to feeling sorry for ourselves and make everyone else feel unhappy too.” Basically as long we try to be good and help others, we’re on the right track.

      3. This is such a beautiful line! It really made my day. And yes, I agree, Albert Einstein once said-“only a life lived for others is worth living” .Thank you so much dear! 😊❤️

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