#pcos, Body Love, Mental Health, Self Love

I’m A Worthless Human Being Because I Gained Weight

20 February 2019

I’m writing this blog after a really difficult day. I realize that these are my toxic thoughts now but I need to write about this. Writing is my therapy and maybe by writing out all my thoughts, I might gain a new perspective on things. I don’t know but I need to get these feelings out.

Today I found out I weigh 90kg. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel disgusting. I feel like I should go crawl into some hole and hide. No one can see me like this. No one can know I weigh so much. When I saw that number on the scale I wanted to cry. I bit back my tears and told myself, cry about this tonight. I’ve gained so much weight in this last year that it’s been an incredibly hard pill to swallow. After the big weight gain where the scale climbed 2-3kg a WEEK for two months, I thought that was it. I’m 20kg heavier but I will lose it. I was diagnosed with PCOS soon after that and it’s been one ugly mix of emotions since. I felt horrified that I gained so much weight. I immediately changed the way I dressed or constantly tugged at my clothes because I didn’t want people to see the obvious weight gain. Hello, oversized everything. And now, when I’m already so fragile, I find out I’m 10kg’s higher than that. I can’t hit that 100kg mark. I can’t.

And I’m scared. I want to lose weight because I want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin but I’m terrified I will become obsessed with fitness again. It was truly horrifying that the pressure of maintaining the weight loss or fitness journey did to my mental health. I get so overwhelmed these days. So much extreme thing has been happening to me this last year that I’m barely keeping my head above water. I can’t add that weight loss pressure onto my shoulders again. I will break. I’ve found a system that is taking steps towards the right direction but it slow and forgiving. It’s all that I can handle at the moment but it’s not enough. I’m not doing enough. I’m still gaining weight and I’m disgusting. I need to starve myself. I need to drink just smoothies for months straight. I need to eat, drink and sleep fitness again. I need to eat nothing and just drink water. I need to make myself throw up when I eat candy. I need to. I need to. I need to. These thoughts are disgusting. I look at my body and I hate it. I hate how that is just another thing in my life that I can’t control and I hate how it doesn’t feel like my body anymore. I hate how I’m scared someone will point out my weight gain out and I hate how I no longer feel beautiful. I hate that this weight gain makes me feel worthless. Like my life has no meaning because I have back rolls. I hate that I feel this way and I want to change but I don’t know if I can handle it now. It’s a constant toss up of 1) go big or go home or 2) one day at a time. I’m struggling to find a middle ground. I’m struggling to get out of this ugly and toxic loophole. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to be this big anymore. I tell myself I will be happy when I’m back to my fit body but the truth is, I wasn’t fucking happy back then. I still thought I was fat and worthless. I still bit back tears when someone pointed out my stomach. But now…it’s worse. Back then I felt confident and proud at least 70% of the time. Now, I feel like a worthless human being. I don’t really know what else to say. I think I’m just going to go to bed now. Maybe I will feel different tomorrow? I’m just so tired of feeling like this. It’s too much. Life has been so much. When am I going to catch a break?

***

It’s the next day and I don’t have clarity. I don’t really feel much better. I realize that I’m inching into a depressive state and what I thought yesterday wasn’t entirely true to what a really think deep down…but yeah. I still feel the pressure that I need to do something. What I’m doing isn’t enough and I’m scared that it will all get too much. I woke up, hungry. Already, my thoughts are like sit the fuck down you fat fuck. You’re not worthy to eat. It’s ugly and toxic. These feelings will pass and I refuse to surrender and do anything I will regret. I will fight these thoughts and feelings. I will fight this negative voice and when I come out of it the other side, with a clear and positive mind I will make adjustments to my way of life that isn’t anything too crazy. And eventually, over time, I will lose some weight but who knows? Maybe I will never weigh 60kg again and that’s okay…I guess. It’s baby steps.

Sorry that this blog is all over the place. I just feel like it’s something I should share. Maybe someone who struggles with the same thing or has struggled with the same thing will have some advice. Who knows?

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS, I’m adding this as an afterthought because I don’t want to make anyone feel bad about their bodies. I’m not saying if you weigh 90kg you’re ‘fat’ and ‘worthless’. Nor if you weigh more than that. THIS is how I feel about MY body because of my weightgain.

8 thoughts on “I’m A Worthless Human Being Because I Gained Weight”

  1. We all get at a stage where we feel like you feel about our weight and the weight we gained. YOU are for sure not alone.

    Ones weight can make you feel depressed, ugly and worthless at times, but remember You are still YOU. Your are a unique individual who are worthy and who has alot of talent, maybe you must go out into the WORLD and go and explore and show off your talent to those outside and go big. Remember that bookmark a gave you when you left SA? Go and explore those words!

    Love and miss you always. Mommy. xxxx

  2. you are so much more than your weight. everything on the earth is in a constant state of change and movement, it makes sense that our bodies do this too, going up and down in size. you are still the same person you were

  3. This was really hard to read as I related so much. You’re so brave for posting, writing is a really good way to get your thoughts clear.
    I’m sorry about your diagnosis, I think focusing on your health instead of your weight is a good start!
    Once I put a large sum of weight on, my first instinct was to resort to old behaviours, and it was so hard to see that there was any other way. I now blind weigh/no longer weigh myself, it’ll become obsessive if I know, therefore I focus on nourishing my body, and hope that naturally causes weight loss.
    Wishing you well with your journey. Depression can feel so lonely, so if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me. x

  4. This is such a powerful piece and really resonated with me. I was diagnosed with PCOS last year and felt totally alone with my diagnosis. Thoughts like this crept in and I found it really hard some days… but you’re not alone and one day you’ll look at yourself without those doubts and insecurities. Keep up the fabulous writing xx

  5. I can’t related these feelings as much as some, but I definitely know what it’s like to have something about myself Im embarrassed and ashamed of. I think to a degree it’s part of life. However, thoughts as you’d mentioned about being a “fat f***” is not an everyday thing you need to be dealing with. I am so So sorry you are so hurt right now. I think you’re absolutely gorgeous and beautiful and you will feel stunning again, even if you don’t right now. @bodyposipanda is an awesome account on insta you should look at. #donthatetheshake
    Everyones bodies are on in a different place in their journeys and no two are identical. That includes shapes and rolls and curves and weight- the whole deal. And that diversity is beautiful. You are worth so much. Your value is not determined by a number. YOUR VALUE IS NOT DETERMINED BY A NUMBER.

    Stay strong. If you are worried about you health I would just try to do a simple change or two in your schedule (go on a couple more walks a week, play with your pup a bit extra, and maybe skip that tempting but not as healthy treat on occasion. Don’t Worry about a scale, as long as you’re aware for your overall health.
    I would also totally recommend talking to your therapist about it. They can help you with the psychological tools to find self love and once your mindset is adjusted and you see your value more clearly you can then tackle any concerns you have.

    But I will repeat- No matter what you do or don’t do, YOUR VALUE IS NOT DETERMINED BY A NUMBER.

    You’re so precious.

    1. Thank you so much for this comment. I really appreciate it. It’s a constant struggle. I wrote this blog while I was in a depressive state and struggling so I know these feelings and thoughts aren’t true all the time…but it’s true to me now. I’m just going to take it day by day and make small adjustments to improve my health because that’s what is really important at the end of the day. My health. Like the one quote says: you weren’t placed on this earth to pay bills and lose weight. Again, thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate it. I’m so happy I decided to share the blog. It’s been empowering to connect with so many beautiful souls.

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