I have no idea how to start this blog. I always try to have a nice introduction but 9/10 they get away from me. Last week I uploaded part one of everything that happened after I shared about my past with the promise with part two soon. This is part two and this is going to be a hard one. I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but I do feel that maybe by me sharing this story, someone out there will feel less alone. So, before I stretch this introduction out, I’m just going to jump straight in.
Part One — https://fitcouchpotato.com/2019/01/07/what-happened-after-i-shared-about-my-abusive-past-depression-part-1/ —
The month of October was even harder than that first month. I didn’t even know it was possible but yeah it was. When I say I felt raw and vulnerable, I truly mean it. For years I’ve kept my abusive past as my own dirty little secret. Even though there was nothing to be ashamed about, I just couldn’t even think about it. Thinking about it hurt too much. I ended up part one by saying that by telling the world and opening up that can of worms forced me to think about. I had no choice. Suddenly it was right there in my face and I couldn’t play the denial card anymore. I had to deal with it. I had to think about it. I had to come to terms about what happened. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. For years I only survived by refusing to think much less remember the abuse and suddenly my world was flipped. It was a very raw experience. One of the hardest things I had to do that month was something I never thought I would do. I cut off ties with my mom. Only temporarily and I will explain more in a bit. I just want to take this moment to say that I don’t hold any resentment and anger towards my mother. Not anymore anyway. We both needed the time apart and it has made our relationship stronger. We had the conversation we needed and this has allowed us both to heal.
I really don’t want to write this next part but I already spilled the beans so I should probably explain. My relationship with my mom has truly seen it all. We’ve been through the highs and the lows. My mom has made her fair share of mistakes and there is a lot of things she has done that I would never do with my own children. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. I don’t want you to think that my mom is a bad mom. There are some things my mom did as I was growing up that I don’t agree with. How she acted and responded to things is not something I would carry on. Wait, that doesn’t sound right either. This is incredibly hard. How do I even explain this? It’s something so incredibly personal that I’m not even sure if I should be sharing this but it’s so important…
Let’s try this again. My mom made some bad decisions and I was pulled along with them. She has hurt me without meaning to do so by these bad decisions. For a long time there, my mom was just a very toxic and negative person in my life. That’s sounds wrong too. I don’t want to hurt her feelings if she decides to read this blog but I also want to help someone else struggling with something similar…The path my mom was on wasn’t healthy and her negativity was affecting my mental health in a toxic way. Yes! That’s it! Her response to the news was the hardest to deal with. She definitely took it the hardest. She was the one that brought this man into my life. She was the one who felt at fault, I guess. My dad made it quite clear that he blamed her. Honestly, I don’t know what she was feeling because I’m not her but her immediate response after I shared my past was…I don’t know what to say, it was negative. It was just not something I needed nor wanted to hear. She like my father asked why I didn’t tell them back then but this just rubbed me up the wrong way. In my eyes, there were moments where he abused me in front of her and she laughed it off as a joke. So of course, the young me would think her mother wouldn’t do anything about it. It’s really as simple as that. There is no nice way to say that. We called about a week after I told her the news and she said she was angry at him, at herself and at ME. She was still so in turmoil about the news and I don’t think she meant this but it hurt when she said. Up to this point I had desperately tried to let go of my anger and just truly let go and heal but by her telling me she was angry at me for not telling her back then. It cut deep. It broke my heart. It was like a dam exploded inside of me and I was so incredibly angry at her. I was so sick and tired of the same old bullshit and her negativity in my life. Something needed to change. She was making me feel like the worst daughter ever for not telling her back then. And for telling her now. She was in such turmoil that the stress was keeping her up at night and making her sick. I felt guilty for hurting my mother and then I would feel angry at her at the next moment. I wrote this poem one night.
Why are you the one that’s angry?
Why are you angry?
You always just stood there
You watched his hands tighten around my throat
You never said anything
Why are you angry?
You always just stood there
You watched as his words destroyed me
You never said anything
Why are you angry?
I should be the one angry at you.
I truly was angry at my mother at that moment. I was also hurt. I don’t even think the word heartbreak can truly describe what I was feeling in that moment. As time passed and we entered the first two weeks of October, this anger just kept building. I was pissed off that instead of just saying she was sorry she was turning the whole thing around. She wasn’t sleeping. She was angry. She wanted to call him and tell him a piece of her mind. It was just how she was feeling and there wasn’t a true moment of how do you feel? Are you okay? Honestly, I just wanted a fucking sorry. I wrote this poem the same night as the previous one.
Just a sorry
I just want a sorry,
But I know I won’t ever get that.
Sorry this happened to you.
Sorry I didn’t do anything.
Sorry that I said nothing.
Sorry that I couldn’t stop it.
Sorry that you couldn’t trust me with the ugly truth.
Sorry I brought him into our lives.
Just a sorry.
That’s all I want.
Now that time has passed, I realize that what I wanted to hear from my parents’ when I told them about my abusive past was sorry. I wanted them to say sorry because the really ugly truth is, they both played some role in it. My father wasn’t my knight in shining armor. Yes, I realize I never gave him the opportunity but there is a reason why little me didn’t think I could go to him. There were stages in my life that I didn’t think my dad cared. Not because he didn’t care it was more like there was a block. He had a very strict and hateful girlfriend who hated my guts. It wasn’t a joy to always go down to visit my father on school holidays because this woman always made me feel like a piece of shit. I guess, in my mind who was so used to insults thrown my way connected the fact that when my father didn’t stand up against her emotional abuse, he wouldn’t really do anything about the horrible abuse that was going on at my mom’s. I don’t want to make excuses for myself but you have to understand that my way of thinking back then was very different than how I think today. My mother wasn’t my protector. The person who kissed the nightmares away. She didn’t jump in and protect me when things got bad. It’s really that simple. It sounds horrible but it’s the truth. They both played a role and I just wanted a sorry. Sorry I wasn’t your knight in shining in armor. Sorry that I didn’t say or do anything when he was choking you in front of me. Just a good old sorry.
In the middle of October, I snapped. My mom had made a status on Facebook about how horrible my brother is. Their fight has been going on for years and I was so fucking sick and tired of the same old bullshit that I snapped. I reached out to my brother and mother and tried to arrange a meeting where the two could just sit down and get it all out. I felt that the both of them were in the wrong and they needed to be adults about it. I just really didn’t like that Facebook status. My mom rejected the offer to meet and made snippy little comments on that post and my last little string snapped. I was done. I couldn’t take it anymore. Something had to change. This can’t continue. I just don’t have the energy inside of me anymore for this shit. So, I messaged her. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
17 October 2018
This message is incredibly hard to write but I know this is the best decision I can make for myself right now. I need some time apart. The both of us need it. We need time to get our thoughts straight and heal. Mentally I’m in a vulnerable place and I need to take all the steps I can to protect myself. I will be honest with you, these last two months you’ve caused me so much pain and distress. I know it wasn’t your intention but I just can’t have the cycle repeat while I’m in such a place mentally. I’m trying my utmost best to put my past behind me and let go of all the anger I have left. On most of the days I’m not angry, I’m almost at peace but then you would say something that would spark that anger. And this anger is toxic. It’s destroying all of my hard work. I’m sorry. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you but I need to be selfish and think about myself and my feelings. I wish you the best and I will contact you when I’m ready. That’s when we can talk about everything but we really do need this time. Before we both say or do something that we regret. I love you but I need to say goodbye. I hope you will understand and respect this decision. I honestly think you should take this time to reflect about everything and get your thoughts straight so we can have the conversation we desperately need when we’re both ready.
I realize that this is a very personal message to share but it’s such an important part in this journey of healing and forgiveness. Sending this message was hard but it was needed. For the both of us. She needed time to process everything and get her thoughts straight and I needed the time apart. I just needed things to change. I just couldn’t have the same shit repeat over and over. I felt drained. Two days after sending this message, I reached out and got a new therapist. I don’t want to go into too much detail about my mom’s response to the message. She was emotional as expected but respected my wishes and we took the time apart. The last two weeks of the month of the October was hard. Really hard. Honestly, the entire year of 2018 was hard but things shifted for me after I shared my past. Life wasn’t suddenly easy but I was growing every single day. I was pushing my boundaries and truly trying to heal. I was putting my past behind me. Or at least starting that process.
I’m going to round off this blog here. The next part I want to share is really long and I don’t want to make these blogs too long. Part 3 will be up soon but until then thank you again for all the love and support. The last thing I want to do is hurt my parents’ feelings. They’re not bad parents. Yes, both of them had their moments but don’t we all? No one is perfect. I truly hope that by opening this can of worms and truly writing about everything will help someone out there. I don’t know how this can help someone but I feel like this story is something that needs to be out there in the world. Much love, Cassy xxx
Part Three — https://fitcouchpotato.com/2019/01/21/what-happened-after-i-shared-about-my-abusive-past-depression-part-3/ —