Mental Health, Story Time

What Happened After I Shared About My Abusive Past | Depression | Part 1/4

I was going to have part two of the renovations go up today but it felt more natural to talk about my depression and anxiety. So much has happened after I shared my secret with the world on the first of September. I’ve made leaps and bounds since I shared that post. There is quite a bit I want to tell you so buckle in and enjoy the ride.

September 2018

I started the month by sharing my secret. I didn’t know it was something I wanted to do till I wrote the message. I didn’t know I was ready to share it till I woke up one morning and decided to share it. I was so desperate for things to change that I was willing to just rip off the band-aid and get it over with. I don’t know what reaction I expected or what I would feel afterward but boy. It was a lot. I felt ten emotions all at the same time. I didn’t even know it was physically possible but that’s just how I felt. Overwhelmed with raw emotions. My parents’ response was what mattered the most and seeing their response come in was hard. They responded how you would expect. Anger and confusion. Anger as in, I’m going to kill that monster that hurt you. Confusion as in, why didn’t you tell me back then? I could’ve done something. They also needed answers. What happened? When did all of this happen? Why didn’t you tell me back then? I could’ve helped you. This hurt me in ways that I’m going to try to explain now.

He came into my life when I was nine years old. I will never forget that moment that I met him. Back then I used to visit my father every two weeks for the weekend. We lived an hour away so while I would stay with my father my mother would stay with her friends. A few months prior she met him and was ready to introduce him that one night. I can tell you where we were, how the air smelled like and everything. That moment is so clearly imprinted on my brain as I’m writing this now, I’m transported back to that very moment. He didn’t act strange or did anything that would cause any frowns but something inside of me just knew. That little voice inside my head screamed that this man is faking it. He is wearing a mask. Who he portrays himself to be is not his true self. It was just that gut feeling. I was young and had no idea what it meant. I figured I just didn’t like the man because my mom was dating him. I struggled a lot in the beginning after my parent’s divorce to accept the men, she brought home. They weren’t my dad and I wanted my dad. My mom and he got engaged and married within the same year. Everything was normal. He was friendly enough and eventually I convinced myself to ignore that gut feeling. I was just uncomfortable with him because he is marrying my mom. Within days after the marriage, the mask dropped and I learned who he was. Monsters are real. My gut feeling was right. To this day, I always listen to my gut feeling. I don’t ignore it.

When my parents asked why I didn’t tell them back then it was difficult for them to see. I tried to explain but I don’t think it has truly sunk in. I was so incredibly young and impressable when the abuse started. I just thought what he was doing was normal or that it was no big deal. I was overreacting. Everyone’s step dads demanded to see them in their bra’s. The few times I reached out to adults nothing happened. They pushed it aside and acted like it was no big deal. There were times he would abuse me emotionally and very rarely physically in front of adults as it was seen as a joke. So, in time, I saw it as a joke. No big deal. It was hell and I was terrified the entire time. The abuse kept getting worse and there was just no way to escape it. I could only stay stubborn and fight of the will to end it all for so long. He left when I was sixteen and I pushed everything to the back of my mind and forced myself to just go on with my life. I couldn’t focus on it too much. I couldn’t allow myself to open that can of worms. Years went by where I didn’t think much about it. I managed to convince myself it was normal or that no one would believe me. There weren’t bruises. I’m just overreacting. So, when my parents asked me why I didn’t tell them it was hard to tell them that I didn’t think they would do anything. I didn’t think they would believe me. I was convinced they would tell me it’s not that serious. Brush it off and then send me back to him. I was convinced that I would get in trouble. Obviously, I realize that I was just brainwashed and my dad would probably have beaten the guy to a pulp. I realize that now but the thing about abuse when you are so young is that you don’t know what this person is doing right or wrong. Or eventually, you start to believe that you deserve it. You’re a bad child and you deserve to feel like this. NO. There is nothing wrong with you my sweet child. You don’t deserve this pain. Please reach out to adults. They won’t be angry. If the first adult doesn’t listen to you, go to the next one. And the next one. Force them to hear you.

I said before that I shared my secret because I wanted to be free from my past. I didn’t want to be ashamed about what happened anymore. The first two seconds after I shared the message, I felt free. I felt giddy and just like this massive weight was off my shoulders. It wasn’t until I saw my parents’ response where suddenly it felt so real. For the first week, I felt incredibly guilty for telling my parents’. They were struggling with the news. They were hurting and I felt bad about it. Where I had years to come to terms with my past, they just got this big bomb on them out of nowhere. My dad called a lot. He needed to know what happened and fuck it was hard to talk about it. I’ve only told one person in the entire world almost everything that happened. Even then it took me some time to feel ready to tell him everything. I’ve also talked to my best friend about it but we never went into detail. And suddenly, my father wanted, no needed some details. It felt dirty as I was trying to just say some of it. He needed to know if I was raped. My mom needed to hear that too. I wasn’t raped. For the longest time, I thought because I wasn’t raped, it doesn’t count. The truth is although I was never raped, I have no fucking doubt in my mind that it was next. The weeks leading up to his departure of my life, there was gestures and hints. Hugs where you can feel it. Urgh, I feel sick to my stomach.

The entire month of September was just an ugly emotional rollercoaster. I felt raw and vulnerable. I regretted my choice of sharing my past at least once a day. I regretted opening that can of worms because I hurt so much. I didn’t feel free from my past instead my past was suddenly ALL I could think about. I think I’m going to stop this blog here. It’s a lot and I just need a moment to process everything. Part two will be up soon. I just want to take this moment to thank every single one of you for all the love and support that I received when I shared my past. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you all. Much love, Cassy xxx

The blog I referenced too: I Suffer From Depression and Anxiety — https://fitcouchpotato.com/2018/09/03/i-suffer-from-depression-and-anxiety/

Part Two — https://fitcouchpotato.com/2019/01/14/what-happened-after-i-shared-about-my-abusive-past-depression-part-2/

7 thoughts on “What Happened After I Shared About My Abusive Past | Depression | Part 1/4”

  1. cassy, i still think you were right to do this – to help you move on ,to help others to understand, and to offer them courage to do the same. your parents reaction is based on fear and guilt for not being able to help you – they are mad and sad and somehow have to take it out on someone, and you are the only connection to what happened. i hope that with time they will come to understand it all a bit better. ‘m sorry you had to go through what you did, both then and now.

    1. Thank you for this message. These last few months have been very hard but I’m very grateful that I have the platform to talk about these things. It is so important and even though it’s hard, it’s needed. Writing everything out helped me a lot with the healing process and for that, I’m very grateful. My therapist said something very similar. She also said that I’m on a different stage than they are. Where I have accepted what has happened, no longer wished the man bodily harm and was in the process of being ready to move on, they just started. My parents’ response was definitely the hardest but it was something that I needed to tell them. Thank you for all the love and support. I truly appreciate it. Messages like yours make me happy that I was able to share this and gives me the strength to continue to talk about it. xxx

  2. 1. i am so unbelievably sorry this happened to you… I support you, i believe you, and I hear you.

    2. Just before the holidays I realized that I had been sexually abused and narcissisticly abused.. I knew something was wrong but didnt know what it was. It was from 10-19 and everything emotionally you described- ..i must be overreacting bc they didnt believe me- i must be a bad child- i must have egged him on and things Like that were so present in my mind and im still fighting with that.. this post describes my life right now so unbelievably spot on. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I hope so much you find peace. I’m so emotional rn

    1. Oh, where to even start. Number one got me ugly crying. I really needed to hear that. Just yesterday I had to make another very difficult decision and I’ve been feeling incredibly emotional. I have so much anxiety towards people thinking I’m overreacting or it’s no big deal and here I am. Making it a big deal. One step at a time hey. 2) I’m so sorry that this happened to you. The moment where it clicks that what happened to you as a child is not okay and is abuse is incredibly hard. It’s overwhelming and it takes a long time for you to come to terms with it. These things don’t happen to real people, right? Only in the movies and series. My advice is to you don’t rush the process. Don’t beat yourself up or feel any lesser of a human being. He is the monster here. And be very gentle to yourself. Pump the breaks on things that you can and just take a moment to be with yourself. There was a time where I would beat myself up for only having the energy to leave the bed and walk the dog. But when I started to be gentle with myself, I was able to do more. Being hard on myself didn’t help at all. Not sure if that makes sense. I’m sorry I can’t be much help. If I can recommend one thing is to somehow get everything out. If that is to write it out somewhere or to talk to a friend. Talking about it is really hard but it will help. You don’t have to share what happened with others, you can write it down and burn the book. I did that a lot in the beginning. I always felt better. And don’t be afraid to reach out and get a therapist. They can put a lot in perspective. It took me a long time to find the courage to get a therapist. In my mind, if I did that it’s real. In the beginning, I could often convince myself that it didn’t happen to me. I could disconnect myself from my memories. It’s not healthy in the long run but I needed the time to get to this point. Bets of luck in this journey. Remember that you are not alone. Much love xxx

      1. Thank you so much.
        The past few weeks I’ve been on and off suicidal and although it isnt to the point that I would act on it my brain keeps asking me how I justify still being here. Last night in my Instagram @uplift_one_another story i posted I’m sticking it out “because I refuse to punish my husband for the sins of my abuser. To leave this world would be to steal his future. I. Won’t.”
        It truly is enough to think about that and then just comfort myself best I can until the thoughts go away. They do.

        So I’m reassuring Both of us:
        Just because “they didn’t rape you” doesn’t lessen the pain. I get it. Just because “they could have done worse” doesn’t justify what they Did do. I get it. I see what you’re going through and I validate it. I get it ♥️

        Lets stick thru it. I love that you walk your dog, mine is the reason I get outside

      2. Awwh I just saw this and you got me full ugly crying. THANK YOU! Seriously, thank you for this message. I love that quote you saw. I had a lot for guilt for having suicidal thoughts even after I got married but I came to a similar conclusion than that quote. Why punish him? I would also punish myself. What stopped me back then was I saw the action of me taking my life as a surrender. I would allow this monster to win. He wanted this and I refuse to give him that satisfaction. I will fight till my body gives out and then get up and fight some more. I refuse to let him win. That is what drove me forward when things got hard. When I started talking, writing and just opening the dialogue of suicide it helped a lot. It’s important to talk about it, with your husband, with those who care or just with yourself. I have very similar thoughts on occasion; my husband deserves more. I’m not good enough. I’m damaged goods. The list goes on. It’s just the demon talking inside of you. What has helped me is to visualize this toxic voice as a monster. When I can see these ugly words being spoken by an ugly being, it clicks that this is not my real thoughts. This is the demon talking. This is my insecurities talking. This is the depression talking. It is what works for me. I will just look the demon/monster straight in the face and tell him that’s your opinion and thoughts. That is what you think but I know that it’s not true. You will not win. I will live life fully and you won’t drag me down. When I get to that point of thought process, I always snap out of my depressive state. It can take a while because that voice is so loud and it punches right where it hurts, but if you can beat it once, you can beat it again. The demon/monster has weak spots too. Not sure if that made sense. I’m here for you. You’re not alone. We will get through this together. So much love, Cassy xxx

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