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Hi.

*insert awkward wave* Hi. How are you? *insert nervous laugther*

So, uhm…hello? Welcome back? I no longer know how to start these things. Prepare yourself for a medicore at best type of blog? I don’t know anymore. So much has changed these last few months like holy shit where do I even start? I probably should’ve given this blog some thought because now I’m just lost. Do I unload everything and catch you up or do I space it out? Do I play catch up? I guess for now a good start would be to tell you where the hell I’ve been this last month. Yes, let’s go with that. I popped on down to South Africa to spend some time with my dad? I don’t know why I phrased it as a question. I was in South Africa for three weeks, a shit load of stuff happened and now I’m back in the Netherlands. Fuck, seriously. How do I write blogs? This feels so strange. I don’t really know what to say. There is so much I want to share but I also honestly haven’t processed half of the things yet so I’m twindeling my fingers here.

You know what? I’m just going to keep this short. I’m sorry I disseapered without so much as a peep for a month. I’m back now and I have so much to tell you. Okay, I’m kind of back. I won’t be back for real until October mainly because your girl needs some time to fall into her routine again. Especially now that I work almost everyday and I have to play catch up with things around the house after being gone for three weeks. But, and there is a but coming…from October and onwards, expect a shit load of content. I’m talking about collabs, the sims 4 remaking meals challenge, reviews, a new project I’m working on, a new product, a new service, a new story (first draft), a new eBook (hopefully June 2020) and so much more. These upcoming few months is going to be busy but boy I can’t wait. I have that spark back. I just needed a moment to catch my breath and collect my thoughts.

I’m not going to stretch this out for much longer. The awkwardness of this blog is almost painful. I just want to say a big thank you for all the love and support I’ve recieved on my blog while I was gone. I can’t tell you how motivated and excited it makes me for the future.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend! Until next time!

Much love,

Cassy

 

#pcos, Body Love, Mental Health, Self Love

So, I’m Bigger Now. Does It Matter? | Weight Gain & PCOS

I’ve talked about my weight gain and my reaction to my now bigger body before, but just a few short minutes ago while I was talking to my husband, I had that oh so famously Ah-Ha moment, and I want to share this with you.

The conversation came up when I was telling my husband how I’m scared to see people from my life that was there to witness my “skinnier” and “fitter” days. I’m scared to hear what they’re going to say. I’m scared that one of the first words out of their mouths is going to be: “Boy, you really let yourself go.” or “You are so much bigger since the last time I saw you.”. All my life, I’ve never been skinny enough. I couldn’t wear this or that because I had a slight pooch. What are they going to say now when my slight pooch has turned into a lot of love in the trunk. I caught myself trying to explain that I have little control over my weight gain. It’s a health thing. It’s hormonal. I’m doing everything in my power to be healthy and 80% of the time I am, but my body is working against me. It doesn’t matter that I’m beyond active, that I don’t drink or smoke and barely consume junk food. Heck, I barely eat candy anymore. That doesn’t matter, because I’m a big girl now. I’m fat. As I was trying to explain or make excuses for my new body, anger started to boil deep inside my gut. Why the fuck am I connecting my worth as a person to my weight? Why the fuck does it matter? I’m sick of tired of feeling like I can’t wear skin-tight clothes or anything that shows my ‘fat’ because it doesn’t suit my body type anymore. I’m sick and tired of feeling that I need to hide my body. I’m sick and tired of beating myself up or hating what I see in the mirror. I have said all of this before. I’ve tried countless thing to accept my body and love my extra love in the trunk, but you know what, it was a lot easier to sing that tune when I was skinnier. Now, when I’m noticeably bigger (30kg heavier), it’s really fucking difficult, and it shouldn’t have to be. It’s really fucking sad because even when I had those abs when I flexed, I still didn’t like what I saw. I still didn’t wear those skin-tight clothes or showed off my body with confidence. I still felt ugly. It just doesn’t matter. I’m not going to be remembered for my body when I die. It’s not going to matter if I was short, tall, skinny or fat, heck let’s throw in yellow- or purple-skinned. My outer appearance is going to mean jack shit when I’m dead. It’s what is on the inside that matters. That’s what you should care about. And more importantly, that’s what I should care about.

It’s funny. I’ve never (Well, if we want to get technical I have for a few seconds but that was more a reflection of my own demons than about that girls’s actual body.) looked at anyone and judged them for their outer appearance, but why am I doing it to the person I’m supposed to love most in this world, me? I still have a long way to go, and I’m going to start challenging myself when it comes to accepting my body as is. I wasn’t put on this green and blue earth to constantly deprive myself of pleasantries, starve myself, and wish my body was different. I was put on this earth to be me. So, when anyone brings up my bigger body or my weight gain, I’m not going to go in attack mode or try to explain myself. Instead, I will ask: “Does it matter?” and if they say “yes” then that tells you more about them than anything else. You’re so much more than your outer shell.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Love, Cassy xxx

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BLOG NOTICE!!!

Hey everyone,

I’m going to keep this short. I will be back with my normal update schedule in September. For now, please excuse my absence. I want to use these next upcoming weeks to adjust to this new lifestyle change and work ahead so I can post content uninterrupted come September. I apologize for this. I really hate doing this but sometimes life just gets in the way. Please look forward to what I’m cooking up though. They require a bit of time but boy are they super exciting. I will see you in two weeks on the 2nd of September.

Love,

Casy xxx

Mental Health

Day 13/25: I Worked Out | Mojo Magic

A miracle happened guys. I actually did a workout. Gasp. I restarted my fitness journey on the 1st of August and so far things have been very promising. The first day was pretty damn intense but it feels good to be active again.

I’m not going to stretch this one out mainly because I’m beyond exhausted and there is only so much I can say about completing my first workout in a few months. I will try to be better with these blogs.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.

Mental Health

Day 12/25: I Spoiled Myself With New Fun Goodies | Mojo Magic

I don’t want to be one of those bitches that’s like I never buy anything for myself but I kind of am? Like don’t get me wrong every few weeks I will buy a nail polish bottle but that’s about it. Okay, I sometimes buy funky cups. I should share my cup collection. I have a problem. Does buying candy count as spoiling yourself? It’s not like I buy clothes for myself either. I buy clothes when my old clothes don’t fit me anymore. Anyway, a lackluster introduction aside, I spoiled myself. It had little to do with the fact that it was apart of the project. I’ve been saving up to purchase these products for a while now.

I’ve been dying to start digital art for actual years now. It started when I discovered Anime (one of my best friends recommended Naruto and I haven’t looked back since) but it was only when my friend got a drawing tablet and started to draw digitally that I wanted one too (same friend). It just looked so much fun. Now, 8 years later, I have a tablet. After doing a lot of research, I settled on purchasing an iPad, because I can get more use out of it than just a drawing tablet. The next thing on my list was a new fitness watch. For maybe a year I had a FitBit charge that I had to send back. The strap broke and instead of buying a new one (I got fully refunded), we put that money towards my computer. Saying that I still wanted a new FitBit. It gives me a little push when it comes to my physical health. Which I need. So, I asked around and did my research and settled on the FitBit Versa.

So, that’s the two things I bought to spoil myself. I paid for it with my tax payout. I’m actually looking forward to my first paycheck. I want to spoil my husband. I’m going to take him out to that nice restaurant I love so much (all gluten-free), buy him a new fancy shirt (Onno has expensive taste) and a fitness watch or a fancy coffee machine. We can’t decide which one we’re leaning towards. The man also wants an iPad after seeing me play with mine but who knows. Onno and I decided from the get-go that my first salary is going to be us just spoiling ourselves with all the extra goodies we really want but don’t have the extra money for and then moving forward it all goes straight to a savings account. We really need to recover from the 1000 euros car breakdown (it still hurts) and I want to save up to go on a holiday. My dad is also considering coming up to the Netherlands for his 60th instead of me going down and throwing him a big party in South Africa. We’re planning a big European tour and I need money lol. So, to make a long story short, my first paycheck is all about buying shit that we can’t just buy for shit and giggles. Even the animals are getting nice treats. Dankie is getting a new collar (body harness) and steak (or bone). Speculoos is getting fish. The kittens are getting fixed and I will get them treats too. AND then finally, I’m getting my driver’s license or at least starting the process. I might be overspending my first paycheck but we will see what happens.

I must admit, I’m loving getting all these new goodies. It feels nice. That’s about it folks. My wrist hurt (still adjusting to the new job) and I’m tired. I sound ancient.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: I’m sorry for being late again. I’m having a hard time balancing everything. Work has been intense. I don’t feel comfortable sharing what those intense things are so publically because I feel it’s disrespectful but let’s just say I work at a nursery home and I have a weak spot for old people.

PSS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.