#pcos, Body Love, Mental Health, Self Love

So, I’m Bigger Now. Does It Matter? | Weight Gain & PCOS

I’ve talked about my weight gain and my reaction to my now bigger body before, but just a few short minutes ago while I was talking to my husband, I had that oh so famously Ah-Ha moment, and I want to share this with you.

The conversation came up when I was telling my husband how I’m scared to see people from my life that was there to witness my “skinnier” and “fitter” days. I’m scared to hear what they’re going to say. I’m scared that one of the first words out of their mouths is going to be: “Boy, you really let yourself go.” or “You are so much bigger since the last time I saw you.”. All my life, I’ve never been skinny enough. I couldn’t wear this or that because I had a slight pooch. What are they going to say now when my slight pooch has turned into a lot of love in the trunk. I caught myself trying to explain that I have little control over my weight gain. It’s a health thing. It’s hormonal. I’m doing everything in my power to be healthy and 80% of the time I am, but my body is working against me. It doesn’t matter that I’m beyond active, that I don’t drink or smoke and barely consume junk food. Heck, I barely eat candy anymore. That doesn’t matter, because I’m a big girl now. I’m fat. As I was trying to explain or make excuses for my new body, anger started to boil deep inside my gut. Why the fuck am I connecting my worth as a person to my weight? Why the fuck does it matter? I’m sick of tired of feeling like I can’t wear skin-tight clothes or anything that shows my ‘fat’ because it doesn’t suit my body type anymore. I’m sick and tired of feeling that I need to hide my body. I’m sick and tired of beating myself up or hating what I see in the mirror. I have said all of this before. I’ve tried countless thing to accept my body and love my extra love in the trunk, but you know what, it was a lot easier to sing that tune when I was skinnier. Now, when I’m noticeably bigger (30kg heavier), it’s really fucking difficult, and it shouldn’t have to be. It’s really fucking sad because even when I had those abs when I flexed, I still didn’t like what I saw. I still didn’t wear those skin-tight clothes or showed off my body with confidence. I still felt ugly. It just doesn’t matter. I’m not going to be remembered for my body when I die. It’s not going to matter if I was short, tall, skinny or fat, heck let’s throw in yellow- or purple-skinned. My outer appearance is going to mean jack shit when I’m dead. It’s what is on the inside that matters. That’s what you should care about. And more importantly, that’s what I should care about.

It’s funny. I’ve never (Well, if we want to get technical I have for a few seconds but that was more a reflection of my own demons than about that girls’s actual body.) looked at anyone and judged them for their outer appearance, but why am I doing it to the person I’m supposed to love most in this world, me? I still have a long way to go, and I’m going to start challenging myself when it comes to accepting my body as is. I wasn’t put on this green and blue earth to constantly deprive myself of pleasantries, starve myself, and wish my body was different. I was put on this earth to be me. So, when anyone brings up my bigger body or my weight gain, I’m not going to go in attack mode or try to explain myself. Instead, I will ask: “Does it matter?” and if they say “yes” then that tells you more about them than anything else. You’re so much more than your outer shell.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Love, Cassy xxx

Other

BLOG NOTICE!!!

Hey everyone,

I’m going to keep this short. I will be back with my normal update schedule in September. For now, please excuse my absence. I want to use these next upcoming weeks to adjust to this new lifestyle change and work ahead so I can post content uninterrupted come September. I apologize for this. I really hate doing this but sometimes life just gets in the way. Please look forward to what I’m cooking up though. They require a bit of time but boy are they super exciting. I will see you in two weeks on the 2nd of September.

Love,

Casy xxx

Mental Health

Day 13/25: I Worked Out | Mojo Magic

A miracle happened guys. I actually did a workout. Gasp. I restarted my fitness journey on the 1st of August and so far things have been very promising. The first day was pretty damn intense but it feels good to be active again.

I’m not going to stretch this one out mainly because I’m beyond exhausted and there is only so much I can say about completing my first workout in a few months. I will try to be better with these blogs.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.

Mental Health

Day 12/25: I Spoiled Myself With New Fun Goodies | Mojo Magic

I don’t want to be one of those bitches that’s like I never buy anything for myself but I kind of am? Like don’t get me wrong every few weeks I will buy a nail polish bottle but that’s about it. Okay, I sometimes buy funky cups. I should share my cup collection. I have a problem. Does buying candy count as spoiling yourself? It’s not like I buy clothes for myself either. I buy clothes when my old clothes don’t fit me anymore. Anyway, a lackluster introduction aside, I spoiled myself. It had little to do with the fact that it was apart of the project. I’ve been saving up to purchase these products for a while now.

I’ve been dying to start digital art for actual years now. It started when I discovered Anime (one of my best friends recommended Naruto and I haven’t looked back since) but it was only when my friend got a drawing tablet and started to draw digitally that I wanted one too (same friend). It just looked so much fun. Now, 8 years later, I have a tablet. After doing a lot of research, I settled on purchasing an iPad, because I can get more use out of it than just a drawing tablet. The next thing on my list was a new fitness watch. For maybe a year I had a FitBit charge that I had to send back. The strap broke and instead of buying a new one (I got fully refunded), we put that money towards my computer. Saying that I still wanted a new FitBit. It gives me a little push when it comes to my physical health. Which I need. So, I asked around and did my research and settled on the FitBit Versa.

So, that’s the two things I bought to spoil myself. I paid for it with my tax payout. I’m actually looking forward to my first paycheck. I want to spoil my husband. I’m going to take him out to that nice restaurant I love so much (all gluten-free), buy him a new fancy shirt (Onno has expensive taste) and a fitness watch or a fancy coffee machine. We can’t decide which one we’re leaning towards. The man also wants an iPad after seeing me play with mine but who knows. Onno and I decided from the get-go that my first salary is going to be us just spoiling ourselves with all the extra goodies we really want but don’t have the extra money for and then moving forward it all goes straight to a savings account. We really need to recover from the 1000 euros car breakdown (it still hurts) and I want to save up to go on a holiday. My dad is also considering coming up to the Netherlands for his 60th instead of me going down and throwing him a big party in South Africa. We’re planning a big European tour and I need money lol. So, to make a long story short, my first paycheck is all about buying shit that we can’t just buy for shit and giggles. Even the animals are getting nice treats. Dankie is getting a new collar (body harness) and steak (or bone). Speculoos is getting fish. The kittens are getting fixed and I will get them treats too. AND then finally, I’m getting my driver’s license or at least starting the process. I might be overspending my first paycheck but we will see what happens.

I must admit, I’m loving getting all these new goodies. It feels nice. That’s about it folks. My wrist hurt (still adjusting to the new job) and I’m tired. I sound ancient.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: I’m sorry for being late again. I’m having a hard time balancing everything. Work has been intense. I don’t feel comfortable sharing what those intense things are so publically because I feel it’s disrespectful but let’s just say I work at a nursery home and I have a weak spot for old people.

PSS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.

Mental Health

Day 11/25: I Got Lost In Nature | Mojo Magic

Getting lost in nature is now an inside joke between my husband and I. For us, it’s just a longer than usual walk with the dog. It’s nothing profound. Although when things are a bit crazy in life, taking a moment for yourself and just being in your own thoughts outside can do wonderful things, but let’s be honest. It’s not all that wonderful sometimes. Here, it was hot as balls so even when we only ‘got lost in nature’ at night when it was cooler, the air was still stuffy and I felt iffy with a layer of sweat on my body. I guess it’s all sunshine and rainbows in fantasy land and then you get outside and you almost step in dog shit and after walking on the little beach you have stones in your shoe. Plus the field is slightly overgrown with Nettle bushes (almost like poison ivy I guess) on the edge of the pathway so you can’t really relax because you might accidentally brush up against one of them. I don’t really know what else to say. It wasn’t perfect but I still had an acceptable time. I took a lot of pictures and some of them came out really nice so that was nice? I’m sorry if this is coming off negative but there really isn’t much else I can say. It’s not like I came to a profound realization or anything like that. Onno and I just took the dog for a walk like we always do, took a little detour and just talked for two hours. It was a nice bonding moment but other than that, it was okay? Anyway, here are some of the photos I took on our two-hour-long walk.

I LOVE how these two came out. I don’t know which one I like more. Which one do you prefer?

I’m sorry this isn’t some uplifting message but I keep it real on here. I’m not going to come up here and spit out some life quotes and tell you that suddenly my whole world is different because I walked around in the field for two hours. It was nice to get outside and get some fresh air but I’m still the same person I was when I left the house. It was a good escape from the chaos that can be my life so I guess that’s the point? I don’t know buddy, I walk the dog almost daily so it’s not that much of a big deal? I do want to add that ‘getting outside and getting some fresh air’ has helped me many times on my darker days. It’s a good habit to have but if it’s already a habit it’s not that much of a big deal, I guess? It’s not like I sit on the bench and ponder about life on these walks either. I just walk the dog and sometimes I think about stuff I still need to do after I’m back from my walk and other times I don’t think about anything special.

I guess that’s about it? There isn’t much else I can say at this point. Before I leave, I just want to quickly pop in and say sorry that this blog is a few days late. It was hot as balls over here and I was adjusting to the new job (more on that later) all the while running on maybe three hours of sleep multiple days in a row. I’m also having a really hard time with the early mornings again. No one wants to wake up at 5:30am after maybe sleeping three hours. Also, working with my constant nauseous thing is as horrible as it sounds. I hate that I now have life hacks to combat that nauseous feeling in day to day life. Mints (Chewing on gum isn’t exactly professional) and drinking cold water has helped. I also wet my face every hour or so (mostly for the heat but it helps with nausea).

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS: If you ever want or need someone to talk to please never hesitate to reach out to me. I’m always here to help whenever I can. You can contact me via the Get In Touch feature on my website or you can simply email me on cassandrameaker@gmail.com.