Mental Health

Day 3/25: Purge | Mojo Magic

I’m a firm believer in removing toxicity out of your life. There is so little we can control and surrounding yourself with positivity and things that makes you happy is key. So, these last few months I’ve gotten into the habit of purging my social media. Basically, what that means, I unfollow or unfriend people that make me upset. I will leave Facebook groups that triggers me or often upsets me. I will ‘unlike’ Facebook pages that I forgot I even liked in the first place. Heck, every now and again I will also go through YouTube channels I’m subscribed too that I just no longer watch. It’s not something that requires a lot of effort but I truly believe it’s incredibly important. I always feel lighter afterward.

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I actually recently went through my YouTube and unsubscribed to a few channels but it’s been a few months and the entire point of today (technically yesterday) challenge is to go through everything you see online. I ended up unsubscribing from 30 channels. Also, it feels strangely intimate to share my YouTube homepage lol

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My next step in the big social media purge was on Facebook. Now, a few years ago when I got Facebook, I would accept anyone’s friend request I got. It was a ‘popular’ to have a lot of friends on Facebook. When I finished high school, I had my first big purge. I went from 600 friends to 120. Since then, I keep my Facebook strictly to actual friends and family. I have a few high school friends/acquaintances left. The main area that I don’t think I’ve ever decluttered of purged in this case is the Facebook paged I like. By the time I remembered to take this screenshot, I’ve already gone through about 30 pages give or take. After going through all of them all the while trying to not lose my cool because of the lag from having 20 Facebook pages tabs open, I managed to get it all the way down to 136 pages. Interesting enough, there were quite a few pages that I haven’t seen or heard of in actually years. Most of them I ended up ‘unliking’ but the few I kept I’m quite excited to see more. Now, the last thing I had to do that I’ve been lowkey postponing is going through my Facebook groups. The main Facebook groups that I belong to is infertility related. Unfortunately what I discovered quite quickly that even though it’s amazing to belong in a group of women that just gets in, it’s not a good place for me to be in. It can be negative, people are quick to jump down your throat and the constant pregnancy announcements or lack thereof becomes all too much. By lack thereof I mean those few posts that scare the shit out of me: ‘TTC for ten years and counting.’  At one point in our infertility journey, I joined so many support groups. I was desperate to learn. I’ve been procrastinating leaving most of these groups and I can’t really tell you why. Regardless, I went from 12 infertility support groups to 2. It was needed.

Now, if I still had an Instagram I would’ve gone through it as well but the fact that I don’t have a personal Instagram anymore is thanks to a previous purge. I must admit it feels really good to have purged my social media. I’m starting to see some of the positive effects of this challenge. Finally.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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PS It’s a little difficult to complete the day’s challenge and write a blog on the same day so what I’m going to do is have it go up the next day. Day 4’s (which is today) blog will go up tomorrow. I’m making this more confusing than it needs to be. Great. Anyway, see you tomorrow!

Mental Health

Day 2/25: ME Day | Mojo Magic

So, I’m still nauseous. It comes and goes but it came back last night and fuck me guys watching a movie in 3D when you’re nauseous sucks balls. I’m so over this. We’ve gone to doctor about it and the medication he gave me isn’t working so I guess we will have to explore our other options when I see him again sometime this week or next week. Other than that, there is something I want to share with you guys. It has nothing to do with the topic at hand but I’ve been wanting to share this for some time now. I’m irritated with myself. These last few months, probably years by now, I’ve been hyper-emotional. Anything can make me cry. I hate feeling like this. I used to pride myself on keeping my shit together but now if you look at me the wrong way, I’m most likely going to start crying. The other day I was out and about and the guy spoke Dutch to me and I couldn’t understand a single fucking word he said. He spoke inside his mouth and everything just sounded like mumbles and it stressed me out because I’m going to have to communicate all day in Dutch at my new job. Anyway, this made me super upset and nervous. I had to bite back the tears. I don’t like feeling like this and urgh I feel so sick to my stomach so I just want to round this off so I can lay down and wait for my head to stop spinning.

So, ME day went okay I guess. I plugged my eyebrows, shaved my mustache (it was really needed), I rocked my hair and face mask and took a long bubble bath.

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I shaved my legs (it’s been a while), put on my lotion and then took a nap because life just keeps handing me those lemons. It was nice enough I guess. It would’ve been better if I didn’t feel so sick to my stomach but I guess that’s just one of those things. I realize that I’m throwing myself a pity party but that’s good every now and again. I need to feel what I feel and then dust myself off and get up and face life head-on. Although saying that I’m incredibly fragile these days so uhm yeah. What am I saying at this point? Sorry if this blog is a hot mess but your girl isn’t doing that great. I’m going to leave now because the screen is kinda blurry. Thanks for coming to my TED talk. See you tomorrow.

I’m a little disappointed that this mojo magic or whatever I’m calling it isn’t going too well. It makes sense because I started this project because I’ve lost that spark. It’s not going to be perfect from the get-go. I just need to trust that my effort won’t all be in vain. I refuse to sugarcoat anything so what you see is what you’re going to get.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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Mental Health

Day 1/25: Throwback Picture | Mojo Magic

I had a really difficult time choosing what picture I want to use as my big throwback picture. When I still had Instagram, I often used one picture when I posted a throwback picture related to my mental and emotional wellbeing. I still believe that this picture says a thousand words and carries a lot of impact, but I wanted to use a new picture. I realize that most of my readers on my blog doesn’t know of this picture or just how many times I reused it but well I know and that’s the point I guess. Once I decided that I won’t be using this picture for today, I had no cooking clue what picture to choose much less from what year. So, I just asked my husband to choose a year from 2010 to this year. Mainly because I don’t know if I have any pictures of myself prior to 2010. We lost a fair share of our pictures when all of our belongings were stolen. That’s a story I simply haven’t gotten around to sharing yet but anyway, let’s just get straight to the point already. Onno chose 2016. Why you ask? I have no idea. Let me quickly ask him.

“I just had to choose so I did. There is no real reason.” After some thought he did add; “I did want to choose a year that we were already together.”

So, finally… Here is the picture that I’ve decided to use as my throwback.

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When I initially thought of a throwback picture for this project, I had thought that it would be a powerful experience. I will walk away feeling all warm inside, empowered and proud of myself for achieving what I have since that picture was taken but instead I focused on my weight. I completely overlooked the fact that it was a year where Onno asked me to marry him. The fact that I spend many wonderful moments with family and friends. The fact that it was a year where I finally crossed a childhood dream of mine off my bucket list by dying my hair bright purple. Heck, it was even the year I did that nutrition course where it felt pretty damn good about myself for walking away with an excellent grade. I overlooked all of this and instead the only thing I could focus on is my body. I was my skinniest, strongest, leanest and fittest in that picture. What I had to force myself to remember as I studied my much heavier body in the mirror in utmost disgust is that even back then I didn’t love what I saw in the mirror. My self-love journey has a long way to go. These last few months my self-confidence basically disappeared into thin air as the weight refused to melt away.  I don’t really know what to tell you at this point. This isn’t the response I expected on day 1 but it is what is, you know. I’m not going to sugarcoat it and lie to you or myself. BUT I will force myself to reflect a bit more. In hopes that this will somehow turn this around, I’m going to make a list of some of the life-changing things that has happened since that picture was taken in July 2016.

  • Onno asked me to be his wife (spoiler alert: I said yes).

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  • I made wonderful memories with family and friends. I also lived with my dad for a few months for the first time since my parent’s divorce (before I always visited for maybe three weeks max) and it brought us so much closer.
  • Onno came to South Africa, saw the country I came from in all its glory and met my family and friends. We also had our pre-wedding.
  • I applied for my partner visa.
  • I immigrated. Holy shit. I actually did that.
  • Speculoos joined our family.
  • I passed three of my five tests related to my immigration (the last two is on the list for this year).
  • I launched my blog!
  • Onno and I got married for real. I’m now Cassandra Dijt.
  • Onno and I started trying for our family.
  • Onno and I bought a house like holy shit I’m a house owner.
  • Onno and I dived head first into the intense process that is renovations.
  • I underwent almost traumatic dental procedures for almost one year straight.
  • Dankie joined our family.
  • I told my friends and family about my abusive past and I’ve come out on top. I’m at peace.
  • I wrote and published my first book.

available now

  • Suiker and Bekkie joined our family. I haven’t told you about them yet so surprise! We now have two twin girls.
  • And finally, I got a JOB! Yes, that’s right. I got a job. I’m so incredibly excited to earn my keep and buy myself that Ipad I’ve been eyeing for months.

Okay, I feel a little better. Not by much because I’ve truly been struggling with my heavier body and the pressure I carry around to lose weight and that’s not going to go away with one short list. I think that’s about it. I have a lot of reflecting to do and I can only hope that these next 24 days will give me a new perspective on well everything. Life really. That would be ideal. I feel a little down in the dumps but the ME day I have planned for tomorrow is going to go a long way in making myself feel more comfortable in my own skin.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

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Mental Health

Get Your Mojo Back in 25 Days

So, I haven’t really made it a secret that I’ve lost my mojo. I wrote this list a while back and I figured now would be a perfect time to do it. Normally with these types of things, I prefer to actually do everything that I plan to do and then post the blog. I’ve learned with the whole bicycle tour not to share anything prematurely. But anyway, I personally think that by sharing it now and coming back every day with an update, it would give me back my mojo so well…here we go? So, this is a get your mojo back in 25 days calendar or is it a challenge? A project? What would you call this?

PS: So, I will most likely switch some days up if I see that I really can’t complete that task that day (time wise).

PSS: I’m starting tomorrow.

  1. Look back on a throwback picture and compare your life from back then to now. Take a moment to reflect on everything you’ve achieved since then.
  2. Have a ‘ME’ day. Go all out. Have a bubble bath, shave, face mask, hair mask, do your nails, dye your hair (if needed or have the urge to do so), give yourself a tan, plug your eyebrows, and etc. Anything really. Just spoil yourself with doing things that makes you feel pretty.
  3. Get lost in nature. Go for a long walk. Go for a bicycle ride. Just get outside, surround yourself in nature and get some fresh air.
  4. Watch something in another language (with subtitles).
  5. Get creative. Write, sing, dance, paint, draw and etc.
  6. Laugh. Watch something that you know makes you laugh every single time you watch it.
  7. Purge. Unfriend toxic people, unfollow those people that makes you feel like shit on social media. Leave or unfollow Facebook pages or groups that is just toxic and negative. Ask yourself this: Does this person/group make me happy? Does this person/group make me feel good about myself?
  8. Plan. Make a list of goals you want to achieve in the upcoming months and then make a plan. It can be fitness, new habits, a new diet and etc.
  9. Cross one thing of your bucket list.
  10. Do a task that you’ve been postponing.
  11. Do a workout.
  12. Have a long chat in the mirror.
  13. Try something new. Challenge yourself.
  14. Buy something new, spoil yourself. Buy that dress you’ve been eyeing.
  15. Meditate
  16. Dance until you no longer can’t.
  17. Sing along with your favorite songs until you’re throat gets all scratchy.
  18. Read any book. Can be an educational book or just a fun romance book.
  19. Watch your ultimate favorite childhood Disney movie.
  20. Write down your favorite childhood memory.
  21. Organize that messy drawer that is slowly driving you insane.
  22. Doll yourself up. Do your makeup, do your hair, get all dressed up, and etc.
  23. Deep clean your house.
  24. Declutter and reorganize your closet.
  25. Spend time with your favorite person.
Guest Blog

Fighting The Forgotten Land By Johan Pienaar

A good friend of mine is insanely talented and his latest poem resonated with me. It compelled me to share this with you today. Please go give him some love on his Facebook page.

 

Fighting the forgotten land.

My mind is trapped in a forgotten land,
A forgotten land that I know all to well,
A forgotten land of barren stone and sand,
A forgotten land with no hope of which to tell.

In this land I find myself isolated from others
By a thin layer of the mind’s insecurity,
And all hope by my mind is smothered
By my mind’s introspective scrutiny.

This land seems forgotten by all but me
And no matter how far seem to go
My mind refuses to set my heart free
So that I may once again to wholeness grow.

I am trapped by my self-built cage
To which I have key to the self-made lock,
My escape lies in the ink on a page,
Where the sea of emotion has my boat docked.